Jersey Shore Field Notes 5.1: Mommy Problems In Seaside

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Jersey Shore Field Notes are a detailed account of MTV's hit show. As written by an anthropologist.

0:00 – Our specimens are returning to their homeland of Jersey. Their stores of muscles, laundry and tanning are severely depleted due mostly to a misunderstanding of the metric system.

2:44 – The specimens have confused the MTV home for their mother. It appears that they treat their mothers very poorly.

3:20 – Snooki likes to pee on her mom. “I want my old bed back. I peed in it last year. Who wants that?”

4:22 – JWOWW is hoping her pet hermit crabs are still alive in her bed.

4:34 – The male specimens are exhibiting homosexual tendencies. Says Pauly: “Vinny immediately dry humps me on my bed. Just to break it in. Like old times.”

6:05 – Sammi and Pauly seem to have learned no lessons in the entire time that we have been observing them. They agree to share a room with The Situation again.

6:30 – Snooki is exhibiting vitamin deficiencies: “I never even knew how much I missed pickles. And pickle juice.”

7:10 – Friends are starting to notice the specimen's tan deficiencies.

9:16 – The specimens are shadows of their former selves:  “It's like the end of civilization.”

9:38 – Pauly D uses the proper definition of tanorexia: “I'm tanorexic bro!”

11:30 – The male specimens are back in their natural habitat – the guido barber shop. There is much joy.

12:10 – Vinny tries to reassimilate into Guido culture with a more aggressive hairstyle than usual. His new haircut is “a mixture of a mullet a mohawk and a fauxhawk.”

14:00 – The specimens are rejoined with their families. Among the relatives is Uncle Nino, the king of the Guidos. “Uncle Nino should be in this house with us. Honestly he should get the smush room.”

16:30 – Situation has introduced a friend named Unit. But it sounds like the other specimens think his name is Eunuch, and he brings a strangely non sexual tension into the group. None of the specimens seem interested in sleeping with him.

18:00: Situation manages a strange new instigation method that involves whispering and pretending like he's not trying to upset the other specimens. Either that or he now has a stutter:  “Stop stop stop stop stop stop…stop stop stop stop…no no no no no….stop stop stop stop”

20:12 – The specimens return to the observatory lab. JWOWW exhibits an unusual amount of awareness: “I'm actually afraid to go home.”

21:48 – Snooki exhibits passive agressive tendencies as Situation and The Unit/Eunuch threaten to tell her boyfriend Giannni that naked sex happenings went on between Snooki and Sitch.

22:38 – Vinny displays his limited understanding of metaphors. “I was already spinning. And seeing my family just puts the washing machine on overload.”

24:10 – Sammi witnesses Sitch's homosexual tendencies.

25:10 – Snooki moves toward simply passive behaviors by going to bed and avoiding the other specimens.

26:12 – Deena misreads the other specimens mating signals and assumes that she should follow two people walking off to the smush room alone.

27:38 – Pauly continues the cycle of disease sharing in the house by fornicating with a female the other males have already been naked with.

29:38 – Snooki and The Situation attempt to diffuse the situation with The Unit/Eunuch and Gianni until at least the next episode.

31:45 – Vinny continues to complain about missing his family, while the other specimens half-heartedly attempt to improve his mood. I believe the term for this is “momma's boy.”

33:40 – The specimens go to a place called Aztec to help Vinny forget about his mother.

34:00 – The plan fails. Pauly: “It's a war out there. There's a lot of Grenades.”

35:50 – Sitch confuses Gianni's attempt to befriend him as a power play.

37:00 – The specimens have depleted their store of personality and spend the next five minutes of air time staring at Vinny while he contemplates leaving. They attempt to change his mind. They fail.