Jersey Shore Field Notes 5.9: The Smush Room Is Not A Couples Retreat

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Jersey Shore Field Notes are a detailed account of MTV’s hit show. As written by an anthropologist.

1:38: Deena questions Snooki and Vinny about their sexual tension. Pauly tells her to “stop trying to get into my man's pants.”

2:43: Joey calls to tell Deena he can't meet up with her at Jenks. She is sad.

3:30: Deena is annoyed at everyone for being party poppers. “Why have a shore house if you're just gonna sleep?”

4:30: Pauly D sees former castrate Angelina, avoids her.

5:00: The Situation posits that there should be a butter named after him, because he's so smooth.

5:54: The Situation attempts to copulate with his female.

6:15: The female gets “shy,” the Situation is annoyed.

6:35: Pauly finds out his female is menstruating, sends her home.

7:40: Mike sends his non-DTF female home.

8:40: Mike has ordered breakfast but he has no cash to tip the delivery boy. Gives him a protein shake instead.

10:30: JWoww and friends go to the sex store to shop for supplies for her one year anniversary with Roger.

11:33: Jenni tells Deena that Joey is “bad news.”

13:14: Mike is killing it at selling t-shirts. “My Shore Store performance is on mythical proportions today.”

14:50: Pauly and Vinny commiserate about how many of their roommates are partnered.

16:16: Mike plans to give Snooki “her medicine” by telling everyone her secrets.

17:04: Pauly and Vinny plot to “retake” the smush room because too many partnered people are using it to copulate. Deena catches them putting the mattress out on the porch.

19:30: JWoww arrives with sex supplies to find the bed gone. “What the fuck happened to smush bed?”

20:34: JWoww brings the filthy smash bed back inside, decorates it with rose petals and bondage equipment as per her original plan.

21:35: Vinny sees the set-up, refers to it as an “old person smush room.”

22:50: Roger arrives, is stoked on JWoww's preparations.

25:55: Snooki runs into Jionni's parents at Karma, has a drink with them.

27:11: Deena accuses Joey of hanging out with her for the wrong reasons. He denies it. Sammi expresses concern nonetheless.

28:30: The Situation and his friend The Unit plot to give Snooki “a taste of her own medicine.” (What medicine?)

29:40: Vinny complains about all the “grenades” in the club. (Unattractive females.)

31:13: Mike knows that Snooki knows that he is trying to ruin her relationship.

32:40: Denna wants to know if Joey likes her or he's just using her to copulate. He grows agitated and walks away.

34:45: The Unit is extremely intoxicated. Mike tries to sober him up so he can help him ruin Snooki's life.

36:10: The Unit is arrested for unclear reasons. Mike is upset that his plans for the night are ruined.

38:00: Ronnie advises Mike on how best to get Unit out of the “seaside slammer.” Mike decides he needs to handle “the situation” himself.

39:50: Jionni gets water from the kitchen while Snooki is still sleeping. Mike sees his opening: “This is my moment.”