Jersey Shore Field Notes 5.2: The Unbearable Sadness Of Vinny

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Jersey Shore Field Notes are a detailed account of MTV’s hit show. As written by an anthropologist.

0:35: Vinny compares his emotions to a washing machine, one of few frames of reference through which he processes the world.

1:33: The male specimens sit around emoting around the concept of “home.” They urge Vinny to stay with the group.

2:14: Vinny speaks of feeling “burnt out, like a car on fumes,” says he is starting not to think rationally. (“Starting.”) Is it taxing for his species to live at the beach?

2:30: The Situation introduces Paula, his “friend with benefits,” as a “sweet girl” BUT “a sure thing.” Interested in what this type of construction implies.

4:06: Snooki expresses concern over “her man” catching cooties from Mike “the Situation”‘s clothing.

4:33: Jionni offers to trade his culinary services for the loan of Mike's shirt.

5:05: Snooki expresses agitation over this male bonding exchange: “I didn't know this was gonna be like, a cook festival.” The female refuses food, retreats to her room. Her mate follows.

5:44: The Situation brings food to Jionni, further agitating Snooki.

6:52: Pauly enters Ronnie's sleeping area, engages in homosocial cuddling.

7:50: Deena and Sammi arrive at the Shore Store and inform the boss Vinny has taken to his bed, “is going through a lot of issues and problems.”

8:15: Snooki calls Jionni on the duck phone. He tells her she drinks too much alcohol and he does not want her “falling over” again. She worries he does not “respect who she is.”

9:14: Vinny arrives at work late, presses t-shirts, comments that he “still got it.”

10:00: Vinny informs the boss he has clinical anxiety, but reassures him of his desire to “keep the wheels rolling.”

12:00: Pauly takes Vinny for a “man's day, getting mani pedis, etc.” Expresses desire to “go the extra mile” for him.”

13:00 Pauly asks for Vinny's name on his fingernail, expressing his eternal commitment (no homo).

13:42: Pauly states that on returning to New Jersey from Italy, he “got excited,” “burnt his whole face off” while tanning: “It peeled, and then I exfoliated, and then burnt the part that I peeled. I can't move my face.”

14:22: The Situation posits Pauly's “GTL endurance” is down.

15:00: Deena expresses her excitement over going to the club via a series of high-pitched shrieks.

16:00: JWoww reminds Snooki not to flash her ass at the club if she wishes to retain her mate.

17:00: The specimens reacclimatize quickly to their natural club environment.

18:37: Snooki falls down, which Jionni has warned her not to do.

19:00: Snooki's ass reappears, further agitating Jionni.

19:22: Pauly has met a girl who is “DTF.”

19:52: “Going to a loud crazy club is not the best thing to do when you're having anxiety.” -Vinny

20:15: The Situation compares his umpteenth taking home of “sure thing” Paula to a hail Mary pass. He seems untroubled by the logical inconsistency of this statement.

21:00: Pauly generously offers to use the smush room to copulate so as not to disturb Vinny.

22:00: It's 4am. Vinny expresses distress over the fact that the cab company cannot retrieve his female for over an hour, despite the fact that he has finished copulating with her.

22:50: Vinny's female stumbles disorientedly around the living room in search of her shoes.

23:00: Vinny puts her in the cab sans shoes, telling her they are in the cab. (They are not.)

24:00: Pauly D can't find his diamond chain, either. Has a worm hole opened up in the shore house?

24:40: Snooki accuses Vinny's female of stealing his chain, storing it in her rectum, because that's what she would do.

25:50: Vinny's female reappears with his chain around her neck, “glinting in the sunlight, looking all perfect.”

26:16: Vinny blames the mix-up on the “nasty ass smush room.”

27:00: Pauly institutes a new hug/pat down policy on his female guests to ensure the safety of his various gold chains.

28:00 Ronnie takes Vinny on a boardwalk bro-date in an attempt to cheer him up. They play rigged games of skill together, winning a stuffed animal in the process.

28:50: Vinny appreciates the effort, but is “a little beyond that point right now.” Not even words on the posteriors of females can cheer him up.

28:55: Vinny wonders what you do if you don't want to go to a club.

30:30: Snooki asks Vinny to describe his feelings to her. He says he is “not myself” when drinking. Snooki feigns understanding.

32:15: Vinny's sadness is beginning to affect the more sensitive specimens in the house: Snooki, Deena.

32:50: Pauly says his face is better but it still hurts to make out. (This has not stopped him.)

33:00: Sammi accidentally aspirates her own perfume.

34:23: The specimens gather and elect Pauly to speak with Vinny about his sadness. They leave the two alone in the house together.

35:00: Vinny uses the duck phone to call a female, ask her to “come get me.”

35:33: Pauly expresses frustration over his inability to understand Vinny's emotions of “sadness.” The two exchange meaningful glances while neo-emo-punk music plays.

37:00: Pauly is unwilling to let Vinny go, but ultimately relents.

37:38: Everyone else is at the club, but Vinny's absence is making them melancholy. They do shots and begin to feel better.

38:30: Pauly's sad face is making Vinny sadder.

39:00: Pauly expresses confusion over simultaneously “not wanting [Vinny] to leave” and “helping [Vinny] pack.”

39:50: Pauly really doesn't want his dude to leave him.

40:20: Vinny has left. Pauly poses the existential question of “what do I do now?”