Jennifer Garner Was Named ‘Celebrity Mother Of The Year’, Makes Me Wonder If I’m Too Old To Be Adopted

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jennifer garner with daughters 2 291012

After a year of watching Jennifer Garner look amazing in a mom-piece bathing suit and tote her adorable children around to extracurricular activities, Today's Parent Magazine named her “Celebrity Mother of the Year.”  My initial reaction? “Duh.”

Since I have the super ability of being able to personally know celebrities through paparazzi photos (I know, it's pretty awesome), I can honestly say that out of all of the celebrity moms out there, Jennifer Garner is the mommiest.  She didn't wear stilettos and coochie-cutters during her first public appearance after baby Samuel‘s birth.  You don't see Violet or Seraphina whipping their hair back and forth in their own music videos.  None of the Garner-Affleck children have their own websites or Instagram accounts.  Jennifer is often seen in nothing more than Gap jeans and a ponytail, carting her kids around from one fun activity to another.

Which leads me to my second reaction to her new title: Am I too old to be adopted?  No, really.  I know I'm probably 9 years past the “traditional” cut-off age, but I could really use a supermom in my life.  Granted, this might be the Christmas Stomach Flu From Hell talking, because instead of opening presents from Santa, I stared at the inside of my toilet and begged for “my mommy” all day.  But there's just something about Jennifer Garner that makes me think uncontrollable, foul bodily functions don't phase her.  Because that kind of stuff does't make supermoms flinch.  And she has three small children, so I'm guessing there's nothing anyone's bodies can do that she hasn't already seen, smelled, and cleaned up at least three times over.

Anyway, many congrats to Jennifer Garner for this well-deserved title.  Let me know if you prefer my adoption papers via fax, email, iCloud or snail mail.