Entertainment

In Totally Unsurprising News of the Day, I Want Jennifer Aniston’s Life

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Even though the tabloids have always painted a “poor, heartbroken Jen” image of Jennifer Aniston after Angelina Jolie came in and side swiped her husband and allegedly broke up their marriage, I never believed any of that bullshit. While everyone has been off feeling sad for poor lonely Jen, she's been off living the BEST life ever.

She rakes in the dough thanks to Friends royalties, starring roles in most rom-coms ever made, and endorsement deals. (Please, like she actually uses Aveeno. Bitch uses La Mer and I stand by it.) And yes, while I know money does not buy happiness, money does buy the ability to take weekly trips to Cabo or wherever the hell else she wants to go. Jennifer Aniston has a babe of a husband, no kids (so she's not aging faster thanks to diaper changes at midnight and the joy of a screaming child every day), and she gets to have any kind of amazing life experience she wants. And if I were a jealous person, I'd be jealous of the girl.

SELF interviewed her to further rub salt in our wounds that Jennifer does, in fact, live the best life ever. And this is what they had to say:

The actress and Aveeno spokesperson approaches her mornings like a true California girl—she likes to keep things laid-back and relaxed. Aniston usually wakes up by 8 A.M. and cuddles with her three dogs. “Clyde, the little one, always sleeps at my feet,” she says. After she’s taken them for a walk, she whips up a healthy breakfast—toast topped with coconut oil (“You can spread it on like butter and it’s so yummy!”) and eggs that are definitely locally sourced: Aniston and her husband, Justin Theroux, raise chickens in their backyard. (“One always gives us eggs with double yolks,” she says.) Next, she tries to carve out time for a 90-minute workout. “I Spin, do elliptical and lately I’ve been doing barre; I’ve been sore for three weeks,” she says, laughing. Then she hops in her infrared sauna (“It helps your skin look great from the inside out”) before showering and doing a quick skin-care routine. “I put on my moisturizer, sunscreen and boom, I’m done,” she says. Her closet is equally streamlined. “I stand there and go straight to nice jeans, a T-shirt and boots,” Aniston says. “I like to be comfortable!”

For the TL;DR version: She gets up at 8 A.M. and has locally sourced eggs from her home-raised chickens, some of which are kind enough to give her eggs with double yolks. Who even knew that was a thing?! She does a 90-minute workout every day and then goes to her infrared sauna, showers, throws on moisturizer, and that's it.

IS THIS REAL LIFE?! Apparently for Jennifer Aniston it is.

Jennifer goes on to say that she's not a morning person, that her style is “California casual,” that she loves “natural” lip colors, and that she used to sunbathe a lot but had a “suntanning intervention” and now slathers on her Aveeno sunscreen every day.

Girl, if I didn't like you so much, I'd probably hate you. Please adopt me.

(Photo: Steve Granitz/WireImage)

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