I Don’t Feel Sorry For You: The Actress Who Will Star in the Next J.K Rowling Movie

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I don’t feel sorry for you, the yet-to-be-determined actress who stars in the yet-to-be-written movie adaptation of J.K Rowling’s new book. Okay, I’ll admit. The Casual Vacancy doesn't seem like it's going to be as much fun per se as Harry Potter was. Instead of flying around in a magic castle and kissing wizards the way Emma Watson got to, you’ll be playing the role of Krystal Weedon, a poor girl with a heroin-addicted mom, neither of whom can fly. But I can already tell the book will be a hit and will be turned into a blockbuster. Let’s take a look at why.

  1. J.K Rowling is famous for creating compelling characters. And she’s already knocking it out of the park again. Krystal Weedon? There is no name better for a poor white girl than Krystal. It’s not just Crystal. It’s Krystal. As a girl with a name that starts with a “K,” I can say this. A “K” can be a pretty trashy letter. Krystal with a K is so on point. It brings me back to Elementary School and the kids that had to sign up for assisted lunch at the beginning of the year. In a really good way! I’m saying I buy it and I haven’t even bought it. Without even cracking the book I know that Krystal wears corduroys that are too short for her and is skinny in that way that you’re like “Oh she looks great but it’s probably a little bit from neglect.”
  2. This book also takes place in England. Lovely. That’s all we want. To hear the jingle of an English accent and see the English countryside while other shit goes on. That’s really all we need. And you, unidentified actress, with your English accent and your feed-me eyes, you are destined for stardom. This book has to be a movie just so we can hear it spoken from your English lips.
  3. The book is called The Casual Vacancy. What a placeholder-turned-the-real-name-of-the-book, huh? This book has to be really fucking good for J.K. to name it that. There is nothing urgent nor meaty nor interesting about that name. It might as well be named A Cool Nothing. And, “a casual vacancy” also describes the place in the universe waiting open for you to fill it. Come claim it and your millions and your seat next to Emma Watson at English tea parties.
  4. J.K. Rowling doesn’t think this is a very filmable book, according to a recent interview. Perfect! An underdog story where we thought there would be no underdog!!

See, young theatrrreee actress who was probably born in the year 2000 who will end up portraying Krystal Weedon on the big screen? You may have gotten the shit-end of the J.K. Rowling character stick, but you’re still on the J.K. Rowling character stick. So don’t be sad that you’re a part of her foray into adult fiction. Just be glad that you’re riding on her magic coat tails to begin with. And a note to J.K. If you’re looking for someone to play Terri, the mother, (and again, great fucking poor person name), I’m available. We can tell them that I lost my English accent on account of the heroin needles. Except I’ll say that phrase in a cockney accent, “on ‘ccount of the ‘eroine needles.” Because that seems fun. The rest of it will be all American all the time. Call me.