Entertainment

I’m Just Not That Into You, Natalie Portman

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I'm sorry, Natalie Portman. I know that as an actress, you've made a lot of great career decisions. From your early days in The Professional and Beautiful Girls to your recent critically-acclaimed Black Swan, no one is doubting your versatile acting skills. But I still do not like you.

Maybe it's because we're so similar: we are both beloved by Jewish men who appreciate our”Jewess-with-shiksa-appeal;” we both rocked the shaved head look for awhile (and pulled it off because of our fine bone structures); and we are both pretty much banned from Israel for life.

But I think it goes deeper than that. I think you are smug, Natalie Portman. I think you are the female version of Christian Bale, with your extreme and unhealthy body fluxuations for different roles. I do not like how you signed that Hollywood list that essentially said Roman Polanski should get out of jail for free. I do not like your pseudo-politics, or your poise, or what you did to the Star Wars legacy.

But mostly, Natalie Portman, I do not like how ubiquitous you are. It's like every time I close my eyes and think of the word “actress,” either you or Meryl Streep pop into my head. I am happy you've become so successful, because you do seem very smart, and can make fun of yourself (like in that Saturday Night Live video where you rap about your Ivy league education.)

But lately you've seemed to be losing your sure-footing, Natalie, taking your Black Swan choreographer away from his girlfriend and calling him your own, and obsessing over your love of self-flagellation in interviews. Maybe now the world will see you the way I do: as a smug, creepy bitch. Sorry, I just don't like you.

P.S. Garden State still continues to suck.

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