Romance Lives: 85-Year Old Hugh Hefner Is Re-Engaged To 25-Year Old Crystal Harris

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I know you've really been on the edge of your seat about this, but I'm pleased and not at all sickened to report that Hugh Hefner, 85, and his child bride and former fiancee, Crystal Harris, 25, are re-engaged. That's right, folks, after shocking and saddening the nation by calling off their last engagement five days before the wedding, Crystal has finally come to her senses and realized that Hef is still rich. I mean…that she still has feelings for him.

According to TMZ, the time apart helped Crystal realize how much she really loves Hef, and also gave her the opportunity to live on her own and be independent for a little bit. I'm no expert, but it sounds to me like Crystal went home to her condo, got her first bill in the mail, and when she turned around to react for the cameras, realized that no one cared about her anymore since she was no longer engaged to someone legitimately old enough to be her grandfather. What a sad and thought-provoking life.

But thank god that period of self-discovery is over. Now we can get back to planning the wedding. As it's been announced so far, the plan is for these two lovebirds to get married at the Playboy Mansion on New Years Eve. It'll be a small event, with just family and friends present. Nice and intimate…so maybe only three or four former girlfriends of Hef? Probably smart to keep the guest list to a minimum — that way there will be fewer people who have to cancel their travel tickets when Crystal calls off the wedding again.

See, this is why I'm saying Hef should date at least three girls at once. That way, if one of them leaves you at the altar, you have another one waiting in the wings, and still another one to keep your Viagra in her purse. Like an insurance policy. Oh wait, what're you saying? Hugh already does that? Well I'll be goddamned, that's the smartest thing I've ever heard. We oughta buy this man a magazine.

(Image: Adriana M. Barazza / WENN.com)