What Your Mom’s Hollywood Crush Says About Your Crush
Happy birthday to Zac Efron, who turns twenty-six years old today! We had a lot of different options swimming around in our heads for today's features — we could've talked about how proud we are of Zac for going to rehab and getting the help he needs, or compared him to other former child stars, or done a timeline of his career choices. There were a lot of options available to us.
But bottom line, why over-complicate things? Probably my favorite thing about Zac is how stupidly good-looking he is, so let's talk about Zac and other other attractive humans just like him. I mean, the kid is beautiful. He has one of those timeless bone structures that wouldn't look out of place in any time period. The kind of guy I can imagine girls crushing on fifty years ago as much as they're crushing on him now.
Which got me to thinking about all the studs from the past. You know, the guys your mom still gets all daydreamy over. These dudes are oldish now, but she still refuses to disrespect them by even batting a single eyelash at Zac Efron's butt, glorious as it is. And it's not like you want to talk your mom into having a crush on the same guy that you do, because that'd be weird
if when you started dating Ryan Gosling. It's just that you want to be able to understand each other. Like old times! After all, the apple never does fall far from the tree. (I don't know, guys, work with me here.)
So here's your helpful guide to explaining to your mom exactly why so-and-so is so hot. Or moms, it's your helpful guide to explaining to your kid exactly why so-and-so has absolutely nothing on what's-his-name. Use this tool wisely, families, for it is full of razor cheekbones and brooding gazes. It should not be taken lightly.
1. THE PRETTY BOY
(Simon Walsh, WENN / Vito Amatti, iPhoto, WENN)
MOM'S CRUSH: Pierce Brosnan
YOUR CRUSH: Zac Efron
Okay, so Zac hasn't found his version of the Bond franchise yet, but if these two went head-to-head in a pretty contest, I don't know who would win.
2. THE OUTDOORSY GUY
MOM'S CRUSH: Robert Redford
YOUR CRUSH: John Mayer
I can't summon an image of Robert Redford to my brain without seeing him in a cowboy hat, and John now owns a ranch in Montana, so you and your mom can finally understand each other. Except that Robert is clearly the way hotter of the two, and he's never said anything remotely as douchey as John has. So he's winning.
3. THE GENTLEMAN
MOM'S CRUSH: Michael Douglas
YOUR CRUSH: Andrew Garfield
These two both have a very patrician vibe about them, don't you think? They could both pull off inviting a lady over for tea, or playing the president in a movie. Class acts, both of them.
4. THE ENIGMA
MOM'S CRUSH: Clint Eastwood
YOUR CRUSH: Benedict Cumberbatch
Call me when you think you know the first thing about either one of these two, because they're mysterious in the most intriguing ways — talented, attractive, and independent. Sign me up.
5. THE LADIES MAN
MOM'S CRUSH: George Clooney
YOUR CRUSH: Ryan Gosling
Show me a woman (or a man, frankly) on this earth who wouldn't drop everything to go on a date with either one of these guys, and I will show you a stronger human than me.
6. THE FAMILY MAN
MOM'S CRUSH: Brad Pitt
YOUR CRUSH: Ben Affleck
These two are only like eight years apart, but if your mom tends to like younger guys and you tend to like older guys, it could happen. Especially if you both like fellas with lots of kids who are dedicated to their families.
7. THE LOOSE CANNON
MOM'S CRUSH: Alec Baldwin
YOUR CRUSH: Shia LaBeouf
This one's pretty ironic given their very public feud, but both of these guys tend to fly off the handle for no reason. Which is hot, I guess…if you're into that sort of thing.
8. THE MAN'S MAN
MOM'S CRUSH: Denzel Washington
YOUR CRUSH: Matt Damon
I don't know, something about these guys makes me think they'd be really dependable and reliable. A good (broad) shoulder to cry on while he cleans up the mean streets of this town.
9. MR. ADORABLE
MOM'S CRUSH: Colin Firth
YOUR CRUSH: Joseph Gordon-Levitt
Those sneaky smiles and sad eyes! These guys both get at my heart in the same way — they make it all achy over how devastatingly adorable they are. Watch Love Actually and (500) Days Of Summer back to back and then try to scowl at someone on the train.
10. THE CHARMER
MOM'S CRUSH: Richard Gere
YOUR CRUSH: Harry Styles
If Harry got cast in a remake of Pretty Woman tomorrow, I'd have to excuse myself right now to go get in line to watch it fourteen times in a row. I don't even care that One Direction probably hasn't given him any acting training. I JUST WANNA BE CHARMED.
11. THE RISK-TAKER
MOM'S CRUSH: Harrison Ford
YOUR CRUSH: Channing Tatum
These two are both in my list of top five guys who I think could rescue me from the panic room in the White House. Just battle their way in and battle their way out. Renegades. Mavericks, if you will. Risk-takers.
12. THE NICE GUY
MOM'S CRUSH: Kurt Russell
YOUR CRUSH: John Krasinski
Hey Kurt! John! Can we just curl up on the couch in our pajamas tonight and eat Chinese food while we watch a movie? Great, thanks.
13. THE FUNNY GUY
MOM'S CRUSH: Jon Stewart
YOUR CRUSH: Chris Pratt
I suspect that Jon doesn't have a surprising Chris Pratt body lurking under his clothes, he still just barely has an edge over Chris when it comes to making me laugh, so I'll cut him some slack.
14. THE BAD BOY
MOM'S CRUSH: Tommy Lee Jones
YOUR CRUSH: Michael Fassbender
The kind of guy who sits in the front row of an award show and never cracks a smile. Don't mess. Just don't let your mom watch the full-frontal scene (or scenes?) in Shame, or she'll develop her own feelings for Michael and his Fassbender.
15. THE TALENT
MOM'S CRUSH: Patrick Stewart
YOUR CRUSH: Michael B. Jordan
Can't stop won't stop having the best career ever. If you aren't aware of Michael yet, watch Fruitvale and then join me in sitting back and watching his resume unfold into greatness.
16. THE PHILANTHROPIST
MOM'S CRUSH: Paul Newman
YOUR CRUSH: Josh Hutcherson
Hey. Everybody loves a guy who knows how to give back, and these two are prime examples of that. So dreamy.