If The People On Here Comes Honey Boo Boo Aren’t Paid Actors Then I’m Back To Hoping 2012 Is Our Last Year On Earth

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Last night I sat down and prepared myself to witness a disaster on the new TLC show Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. You know, the show starring Alana Thompson, the breakout star from Toddlers & Tiaras who got famous because she not only called herself Honey Boo Boo Child, but also because she said wildly age-inappropriate things like this:

Oh and her mother, fed her wildly age-inappropriate beverages like the now infamous go-go juice. A concoction that makes 6-year-old children do this:

But while I expected a disaster, I did not expect the apocalpyse that was this horrific mess of a show. Despite living in NYC and despite seeing the same man poop AND jerk off in the very same telephone booth once, I'm still a lot more sheltered than I thought. Oh and do note that I once spent an incredibly tramautic weekend in Daytona, Florida — where the unofficial city motto is “no sleeves, no shoes, a woman in the back will probably service you.”

Do people like the Thompson family really exist!? These redneck celebrations where teenage girls named Pumpkin go bobbing for raw pig feet really happen!?

I can't remember the last time where I spent an hour watching TV with my mouth hanging open in shock. From the opening moments when we met the  Thompson family to the incredibly disturbing biscuit scene at the doctors where they're examining Honey Boo Boo's pregnant teen sister, I felt like we were witnessing something we shouldn't.

5 minute snippets of Honey Boo Boo Child and her family are funny. An hour just makes me sad. Watching a child eat cheeseballs for breakfast isn't comedy, nor is doing the math and realizing that June Thompson herself was a teen mom who's now raising a teen mom. A teen mom named Chickadee.  While it's clear that this family loves each other and sticks together, that's obviously not the focus of the show.

Not when gay pagent pigs get involved. Yes, for those of you who didn't watch, the Thompsons bought Honey Boo Boo a male pig to make up for her losing a pageant during the episode. Naturally it wears a crown and is gay. Because TLC making gay jokes isn't funny. But showing a child making them provides hours of hilarity.

TLC found a freak show and put them on display for us. And I don't know if I have the stomach to watch this every week. Not when we're supposed to be pointing and laughing at family because they're  ignorant rednecks who wanted their 15 minutes of fame.

And especially not when the word biscuit is going to enter our vocabulary ironically and then end up being the vajayjay of 2012.