Helen Mirren Talks About Her Tattoo And Jessica Biel’s Boobs, Is Officially Cooler Than All Of Us

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Helen Mirren Jay Leno 2013

Last night Dame Helen Mirren stopped by The Tonight Show with Jay Leno to remind us that she's way cooler than all of us. As in, I have now realized that I will never reach that level of coolness in my lifetime no matter how much I try. No matter how many M&M's I can fit in my mouth or how many Coldplay concerts I've been to. I know what you're thinking and don't worry, I've just realized that assuming those things make me cool automatically guarantee that I'll never even be lukewarm.

First of all, Dame Helen talks candidly about the tattoo she has on her hand. That's right, the lady who played the Queen of England has a tattoo, and it's not some literary quote she got at the cleanest, classiest tattoo parlor in all of Britain. She describes it as being like “a gang tattoo or a prison tattoo.” And somehow the fact that she gives this explanation with that British accent while wearing that lovely, sensible dress just makes it even more badass. Oh, and did I mention it was done with a safety pin on an Indian reservation? That's right. Total Parent Trap style. Jay Leno then propositions her to let him explore any other tattoos she might have, significantly lowering the coolness level in the room and reminding me that I would enjoy this even more if Helen had appeared on Jimmy Fallon's show. But alas, we can't get everything we want.

But the tattoo isn't the only cool thing Dame Helen talked about last night. She also discussed that time she touched Jessica Biel's boobs. No biggie. Sometimes you've got a magnificent set of breasts in front of you on a red carpet and you can't help yourself. My favorite part of this video is when Helen says the word “hell” and quickly asks if she's allowed to say that on TV. Because she's still a 67-year-old English woman. She may have a sailor-style tattoo, but she doesn't want to curse like a sailor if it'll upset the censors.

These videos, combined with the tell-it-like-it-is advice she gave Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan, have led me to cross off “Eat at Panera Bread with Tina Fey and Amy Poehler” as my number one goal in life and write in “Be Helen Mirren.” It's a tall order, but I'm up for the challenge. I'll keep you updated on how it goes.