Girls Is Terrible, And Such Small Portions: Back And Forth Forever

By  | 


Everyone claims to hate Girls, but everyone watches it, even Kareem Abdul Jabbar. Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you’re reading these recaps.

Hannah‘s line about rubbing her vagina “back and forth forever” on the chair confirms what we already knew about her: she's totally gay for Miranda July. She's going to have to get a little less bitchy if she wants to be compared to her, though.

The bemused contempt with which Elijah spits out the word “pecans” makes me hope to god this is not the last we've seen of him.

Make no mistake that I'm totally Team Elijah—to kick him out of his home for something he did because he's struggling with an issue she's never had to deal with in any real way is more than a little unfair on Hannah's part—but one minor quibble: of course you paid for the butt plug, bro. It was for you.

Only Jessa could make presenting her good boob to Thomas John like a baboon presents its red ass to another baboon seem classy.

Am I the only one who cringed for Charlie when he said “I love pad thai” in a Cookie Monster voice to Audrey? Baby talk is never cute.

Wait, why is Charlie even there? If Hannah doesn't know that you are not supposed to hang out with your friends' exes after they break up, she's an even worse friend than I thought.

After last week's episode, I figured Hannah would have sobered up enough by now to realize crashing Marnie‘s booty call was just as bad a crime as Marnie “fucking” Hannah's gay ex. But alas, those hopes were dashed the second Audrey walked in the door. For someone who is so open about everything, HH can be surprisingly passive aggressive. (FTR, a dinner party invite and a “let's take advantage of your need for emotional support by pretending nothing happened” could have totally worked to smooth things over, had Hannah executed it properly.)

“It is frankly psychotic of her to show up.” After she was invited to a six person dinner party? Put down the knife and calm down, Hannah. But, also: did nobody look at the Facebook event/email chain and see who else was coming?

Of course Audrey makes artisanal mustard. Everyone who looks like Ashley Tisdale‘s fauxhemian cousin makes artisanal mustard. How do I know she's a fauxhemian? An actual hipster would not pick “slam poetry” or “open mic” as the cool thing she's pretending to think Marnie is doing instead of hostessing.

“I am so sorry I totally lied to you all.” OMG Shoshanna, please do not ever change.

“So where do you get your headbands?” (Long sip of what I can only assume is gin.) Marnie is but one short century away from becoming Grandma Cece from Gossip Girl.

“I hate this restaurant but I don't even care, because I'm so happy to meet you guys.” Jessa has already decided this marriage is going in the rubbish bin at this point, hasn't she?

“Unlike you, I'll do almost anything sexually.” FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

Wait, Hannah won't “do” a butt plug in someone else‘s ass? That seems a little bit…oh yeah, selfish.

Charlie thinks any dude who likes things up his ass must be gay? I expected more from him, tbh.

“You're a fucking Stepford psycho and I'm tired of seeing you around everywhere.” I hope Marnie strangles Audrey with her culturally insensitive Native American headband.

“I am grown up, that's why I cooked all this food!” Oh, Hannah. You would measure growing up in units of pad thai.

OMGF, RAY IS A SEX GYPSY. This is emphatically, definitely a thing. I have seen it happen several times and it is pretty much always the dude, who need not be more than marginally attractive, provided he wears cool clothes. Which is easy enough for homeless dudes, because the homeless look is in. Such is the state of sex and love in Brooklyn.

“Did your mom work?” Oh come on, Thomas John's mom (Marnie in 40 years?). The 1% is all about stay-at-home wives.

I know we are supposed to think Jessa is an asshole for talking about naughty things at dinner, but I respect her a lot more knowing she successfully kicked heroin. That shit is not easy.

“She's not intimidated by me, why would she be?” Either Marnie is less self aware than I thought or she is totes fishing for compliments. And Charlie gives them to her, and goes straight to second base! But then she stops him because she's still mad about Audrey and wants Charlie to know she is fucking the horrible downtown wunderkind bullshit artist. That is mean.

Then again, Charlie also loses, because he points to his penis and refers to it as “any of this.” Either Charlie is a shitty drunk, or he sucks more than I previously thought.

“Nothing bundt trouble?” Translation: I care way more about saying this clever pun I've just thought of more than how you may be feeling right now.

“Sweet sweet sweet girlfriend…” no, I'm pretty sure Marnie had it right before. Audrey has a terrible case of cunt-itis,

Hannah can see when others are selfish jerks to Marnie, but not when she is. Aaaand now she is mangling the communal bundt cake with a fork. Typical.

“I'm going to be fat like Nico, because she's full of experiences.” God, I love Jessa. Also:

-Only a child of New York City privilege would think it's weird to be a virgin at 16. They have all been to rehab by the time they're 12. (It was probably closer to 22 for him.)

-Is Jessa lying about saying he was being born a test tube baby? If so, that's a pretty great off the cuff insult. She should do stand-up.

-LOL @ “gay Entourage.”

-Thomas John has been living with Jessa for two months, but he only now realizes it's the worst mistake he's ever made because his parents got mad at him? What a little pussy. I am glad Jessa smashed his humie.

-“You’re just some dumb fucking hipster who is munching my hay.” It's lines like these that make me sad Thomas John is out of the picture after just two epically dorky freak outs.

-How does he think she's been living until she met him? Jessa is clearly an independent gal. (Family money, aforementioned governess job in Europe, etc.) But if you are going to take it there, by golly she is going to fucking follow you, Thomas John.

-I love how she punches him, and then is all like like, “Yeah, grow up.” Classic Jessa.

-“I did things I didn't want to do.” Is TJ into butt plugs, too?

And now it is time for TV's greatest couple to have their first fight as bf/gf!

“You're older than me, you should have your own place.” On the one hand, yes, Ray is 33. On the other, is it really fair for someone whose parents pay their rent to say that to anyone else?

“I'm a loser. You don't think I was counting down the days until you figured that out?” Like all great misanthropes, Ray hates nobody more than himself.

“What makes me worth fucking anything?” “I'm falling in love with you.” Cool, now I am crying. RAYSHANNA 4 EVS.

Jemima Kirke does a really good chin tremble for someone who's never acted before. She should have a cry-off with Claire Danes.

“Jessa, you just snot rocketed in the tub. Not even I would do that. I pee in every bathtub I ever get in and I wouldn't do that.”


Until next week!