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What Sex Is Like With Harry Styles, According To A Rando On Reddit

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Harry Styles red carpet no smile

Like every other normally developing woman in her twenties, I've wondered what it would be like to have sexual relations with One Direction's Harry Styles. As well how much I could make selling the sex tape and if that amount would be a fair exchange for my dignity and future googlability. Not sure how much future employers would like googling my name and seeing things like “graphic” and “NSFW” and “was she serious asking Harry Styles if Tea ‘n Crumpets is a real sex position in London” pop up. Unless of course I was applying for a job as a celebrity blackmailer. In that case, I'd be hired right away.

While I'm personally no closer to knowing what it would be like to be intimate with Harry Styles, I am now more prepared should the occasion arise. And it's all thanks to ScaredOfFanGirls on Reddit! She recently contributed this gem of a story to a Reddit threat about groupies. Obvi there's no way to verify if this story is true. But I can suggest that you look deep inside of yourself after reading it and ask yourself if it feels true.

I've made a throwaway because One Direction fans terrify me. I'm from NY and was back in chelsea on break from college up north. I visited my favorite cupcake shop and ran into Harry Styles. (You don't get to be a 20 year old american girl without recognizing the band members of one direction.) I tipped him off that the red velvet cupcakes were the best of the lot and made an exit. This shop is on a pretty quiet street (one of the old cobbled ones: the few the proud), so I turned around when I heard “excuse me.” There was Harry, recommended cupcake in hand. He walked to the end of the block with me and there was a car waiting for him. I thought seriously about just going home, but i was pretty sure this was the kind of adventure that doesn't happen twice, so I got in when he offered. We drove around for awhile behind tinted windows talking casually, and eventually ended up at his hotel. He got out with a security guy that had been sitting in the front seat and told the driver to take me a couple blocks away, giving me directions to find his handler in the hotel. It was honestly surreal and I thought he was being a little bit ridiculous until I saw the literal mob of teenage girls at the front door. I worked my way through the crowd (nobody stopped me because I wasn't with Harry.) Surprisingly, his slightly vague directions panned out and I ended up in his suite. We had great conversations, good sex, and excellent champagne, at which point he needed to leave for some facet of his job, so I headed out of the hotel outside past the mob of fans. It was a really bizarre experience, and ultimately I feel bad for him after witnessing all the smoke and mirrors that went into a casual afternoon. He seemed like a good guy, and I hope he's doing well, but I have no desire for a repeat. I'm a really private person and am unwilling to take the risk of my name or picture leaking.

EDIT: oh my god the number of penis specific questions. He had a slightly larger than average (in my experience, which honestly isn't vast) dick. It wasn't covered in glitter and it didn't smell like sunflowers, just a pretty normal penis that he put to pretty good use.

I know, I know, you're trying to take it all in. Cupcakes! Handlers! Champagne! Larger than average penises! This anecdote has all the makings of a holiday rom-com. Boy meets girl. Girl says red velvet. Boy says can you sign this confidentiality agreement. Girl goes on Reddit. I'm sure Hollywood's already in pre-production for the film. Colin Firth will play Harry Styles and Helen Mirren will play ScaredOfFanGirls and James Franco will play the red velvet cupcake. I can see it all now! Almost as well as I can see myself spending way too much time in cupcake stores the next time Harry Styles comes to New York City. May we all one day get the opportunity to have sex with a celebrity and a cupcake in the very same day!

(GIF: Tumblr)