Possible Reasons Gwyneth Paltrow Doesn’t Want Vanity Fair To Print Their Takedown Of Her

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Gwyneth Paltrow you suc

Vanity Fair magazine has decided to move forward with a very special treat for those of us who never tire of reading about the goings-on of Gwyneth Paltrow's gluten-free life. Editor-in-chief Graydon Carter told the Times of London that the publication will run a story on Gwyneth from “a very good writer” (very controversial decision not to go with a bad writer) despite her reported feud with them. What feud, you ask? Oh, just the feud that revealed itself in the text of an email the New York Times reported Gwyneth sent to her Hollywood besties telling them not to do anything with the magazine ever again.

“Vanity Fair is threatening to put me on the cover of their magazine,” Ms. Paltrow wrote by e-mail, according to someone who had seen the message. “If you are asked for quotes or comments, please decline. Also, I recommend you all never do this magazine again.”

If anything, Gwyneth's rant just made the magazine even more likely to run the article. As Carter explained, “Well, she sort of forced my hand.” He went on to basically say that no one is safe, so watch out Hollywood fancypants!

“Some famous people believe that they live in a cone of celebrity that protects them. But it doesn't really exist anymore in L.A. unless they stay in.”

Clearly we at Crushable are very excited to curl up with a yummy mug of heated air and read this article when it's printed. But until then all we can do is speculate about what could possibly be revealed in this article that Gwyneth felt the need to ban her friends from commenting. So here we present a few possible tidbits Vanity Fair could reveal about Gwyneth Paltrow that would simply ruin her.

  • She sometimes smokes her Saturday evening cigarette on a Wednesday evening. And sometimes (the horror!) on a Sunday afternoon.
  • She had her infamous pubic hair replaced with cashmere plugs and doesn't want anyone to think she's wasteful for shaving such expensive pubes to show off her side butt.
  • Taylor Swift wrote “I Knew You Were Trouble” about her because she once forgot to bring the radicchio for the salad they were making together.
  • Apple's name is technically a nickname for “Apple Pie A La Mode.” So shameful.
  • She paid People magazine in $50 jars of honey to make her the World's Most Beautiful Woman just so she'd have an opportunity to look humble about it.
  • Jay-Z still isn't quite sure who she is and just nods politely whenever she talks to him about what a great friend he is.
  • She once ate a fried chicken egg. FRIED. CHICKEN. EGG!!!
  • California is going to pass “Gwyneth's Law” prohibiting celebrity Vespas from driving on the same roads as school buses.

Now we just have to wait and see which of these scandals turn out to be true. My money's on all of them.

(GIF: Tumblr)