Gwyneth Paltrow’s Daughter Wears A Mermaid Tail To Swim, Did You Expect Her Not To?
Gwyneth Paltrow is a certain kind of lady. Specifically, a ridiculous one. She promotes vagina steaming, uses pretentious terms like “conscious uncoupling” instead of what she really means (ie, divorce), and put out a cookbook that's sure to leave you both hungry and broke. So should it come as any surprise that her lookalike daughter Apple Martin, 11, forgoes swimming like a two-legged human being in favor of wearing a mermaid tail? No, it should not.
Yesterday Gwyneth posted the above photo of her and Apple hanging out at the beach. A few days before that, she posted this photo, captioning it “Apple the mermaid” and crediting the photographer as Amanda de Cadenet.
At first I was like, “Wait, what? Is that Photoshop? Some kind of weird art piece? Surely Apple Martin isn't actually swimming underwater with a fake mermaid tail on!” But then I looked at the comments on Gwyneth's post, with one woman saying her daughter has “the exact same tail” and other people saying how much they want their own, and I realized that this is a thing people buy on the Internet for their kids to wear while swimming, and not just a crazy costume reserved for the quirky aunts on Pushing Daisies and the extras in Lifetime movies.
I was not aware that these were a thing. I'm going to adopt a crotchety old person voice and say that when I was Apple's age, I didn't have a mermaid tail to put over my legs. If I wanted to pretend to be a mermaid, I had to use my imagination. Just like I would dial numbers on a fake cell phone to talk to a person who didn't exist. (#kidsthesedays) And maybe it's just me, but the idea of having my legs stuck together like that is extremely distressing, especially underwater. How do you keep yourself afloat without pedaling your feet?
Anyway, I sure hope there are no sharks in the water looking to bob for Apples. (This whole post was a set-up for this joke, I'm not even gonna lie.)