Blake Lively’s Nonexistent Baby Bump Was The Most Exciting Part Of Last Night’s Gossip Girl
Well it seems like the writers of Gossip Girl played a dirty little trick on all of us last week when they made it seem like the show was going to regain some of its pride by not sucking in its last season. Last night's episode “High Infidelity” didn't get me half as excited as the season premiere (“Gone, Maybe Gone”) did. Blair (Leighton Meester) doesn't get her way? She should probably call in the minions, since apparently they've been doing nothing since high school but waiting around for her to need them again. Dan (Penn Badgley) still isn't one of “them?” He should probably write about it. And wear more Henley tees. Nate (Chace Crawford) wants to get laid? Definitely don't look for appropriately aged pum pum, Archibald. And aw, Chuck (Ed Westwick) has daddy issues. Go ahead, make that face (you know which face I mean). I could go on, but for your sake I will refrain.
The most exciting part of Gossip Girl last night was when I got so bored with the recycled stories that I tricked myself into thinking I could use Blake Lively‘s bump watch as an excuse for not changing the channel. Even though the closest things I have to actual pregnancy reports are an Allure interview and rumors that Blake is glowing (which is probably because she's happy GG's ending and not because she's incubating husband Ryan Reynolds‘ spawn), last night's episode was such a let down that I had to entertain myself somehow. And I must say, it was a nice change of pace to see gratuitous Serena cleavage and ponder whether or not Blake would be lactating soon instead of getting mad at Serena for never putting her tits away. I know that it was all a ruse, but using my imagination to impregnate Blake Lively made last night's episode of Gossip Girl much more bearable.
The only thing I got out of High Infidelity besides a pleasant trip to fantasy land, were questions. The most important of which I ask below:
Why did Chuck Bass shave the sides/back of his head, and are we supposed to think it looks good?
Why do all the Upper East Siders all get up so early? It's not like they really have to work for a living.
How old is Serena's boyfriend Steven (Barry Watson) if he has a 17-year-old daughter? Further, since he's gotta be older than 30, is it really that accurate for him to need more than “5 more minutes” in bed (for fucking) as he implied? This makes me hopeful for my own future, so I really hope the answer here is “yes.”
Does Serena think that if she says the word “mature” enough she'll become an adult?
Should I wear headbands? I was never into them, but Blair's busting them out again and it kind of makes me curious.
Has Sage (Sophia Black D'Elia) ever taken an acting class?
Were Rufus and fake Lola missing from the episode because they were too busy engaging in creepy things, like sex with each other?
What the hell is Lil J (Taylor Momsen) doing these days? (Getting naked.)
Here's hoping that next week the writing is as good as it was for the season premiere, because I'd rather be entertained by wit and character development than my own made up Blake Lively pregnancy fantasy and questions that might never get answered.