Your Cliff Notes Guide To The Golden Globes Red Carpet Tonight

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70th Annual Golden Globe Awards - ArrivalsYou're a busy person, we get it. You don't have time to watch the five and a half hours of red carpet coverage spanning fifteen television stations in advance of the 70th Annual Golden Globes tonight. So here's what we did. We put together a little cliff notes edition for you of the most notable happenings on ye old carpet of red this evening. Hold onto your sequin clutches your mermaid gowns and come along with me.

Claire Danes had a baby recently. A month ago, in fact, which means I hate her for how good her body looks, and love her for saying, “I hope I don't leak anytime soon.” Yup. We referenced breast milk on the red carpet. Take that, Ryan Seacrest.

Megan Fox, another new mom, is so enthralled with her new baby that she has almost nothing to say about it except, “It's Dolce and Gabbana, it's tight, it's lacy.”

Bryan Cranston reveals he was sent a letter from a fan saying, “First of all, I've never been diagnosed with any kind of mental disorder, and I'm sitting here fantasizing having sex with Aaron Paul. I don't know what you're doing there, but I want you there.”

Quirky as always, nominee Lena Dunham wants us to know that, “My breasts have a tendency to sort of shove my dress to the right, and I have to tug it back.” Classic.

Aziz Ansari had a couple classic moments while talking to Giuliana Rancic. When she asked him who he was wearing, he responded, “Kevin Dior”, and also challenged her for assuming that he had good rhythm, saying, “I'm a good dancer? Based on my chocolate skin tone?” Leave it to Tom Haverford to get an E! correspondent to repeat ‘chocolate skin tone' on live TV.

Apparently Liev Shrieber and Ryan Seacrest share a trainer and both do the same 100 push-up challenge. Ryan does it in four minutes, twenty seconds, and Liev does it slightly slower in four minutes, twenty-six seconds.

Ryan made a little faux pas with Hugh Jackman, talking about his yo-yoing weight. Hugh said, “[After Les Miserables] I had to put weight on super fast, which was super fun.” Ryan Seacrest “Well, you did a great job.” WHO YOU CALLIN' FAT, SEACREST?

Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt got a little snarky at each other. After Jennifer commented on how freezing it was, Jon said something along the lines of, “Isn't it funny how people in LA complain how freezing it is, when actually it's only fifty degrees?” Guys, please don't fight in front of the kids.

By the end of the red carpet interviews, Giuliana was apparently feeling a little antsy to feed on human flesh, because she said the following to Sienna Miller: “I'm looking at you close up and you have barely any make-up on. I want to MURDER you.”

Dresses I loved: Claire Danes, Hayden PanettiereIsla Fisher, Michelle Dockery, and Julianne Hough.

Dresses I…didn't love: Jennifer Lawrence and her ice cream scoop boobs, Kate Hudson, Taylor Swift, and Amanda Seyfried‘s weird clip thing at the top. Show some skin!