What I’ve Learned About Being A Girl From MTV’s Girl Code So Far

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Girl Code MTV sleepoverMTV’s new show Girl Code has set out to show the world what it means to be a girl – and dish out advice for some of us wide-eyed women. It’s not the only recent show to try to detail the female experience, but some of us have been a bit skeeved out by the pedophilia fetishes and traumatic Q-tip incidents we’ve witnessed on HBO’s Girls, so we’re in need of some girl-ish advice that’s easier to stomach.

Girl Code has been educational so far. It turns out that there are tons of important components of my gender that I’ve been neglecting. Good thing the show’s panel of ladies is here to lay down the laws of the “code.”

Here are a few of the life-altering facts I’ve gleaned over the course of two episodes.

1. I hate my chest.
We all do, according to MTV’s cast of women. I hadn’t realized it, but it’s true! You hate your boobs if they’re small because guys won’t look at you. You hate them if they’re too big because then guys are always looking at you. And if you’re in the middle with a solid B-cup? Well, then every other girl hates you for having it easier than the rest of us. I’m basically considering a double mastectomy now. These things are just too much trouble.

2. Apparently, I don’t spend enough time worrying about my pooping habits.
I thought it was just something you did – you go in, do your thing. But no! There are real concerns, like should I sit down or awkwardly squat? Sure, I guess I have my preference, but I just never thought about it before. On the other hand, kudos to these chicks for bringing it up at the top of the second episode. This is real progress for womanhood: Finally we can openly discuss the topics that our male counterparts have dominated for centuries. Topics like poop.

3. Falling in love with every tall, blue-eyed male that crosses my path isn’t weird!
I think. I’m glad the show has quelled my fear that my obsessive crushing on every dude ever is a potential health concern. Because everyone does it. Go forth and crush! MTV’s girl experts give you permission. But never try to make the first move and ask him out. That’s just desperate.

4. Bikini waxing: I’ve never done it – and now I never, ever will.
The majority of the cast endorses waxing, at least for occasional maintenance, and they started to make me feel a little guilty for not participating, like I don’t care what my pubic area feels like, or something. But then they proceeded to tell me how excruciatingly PAINFUL and TERRIFYING it is to get waxed down there. It’s downright violent. (On second thought, this show could give Girls a run for its money on inducing trauma and squeamishness.)

5. I’ve been correct in my philosophy of not letting guys buy me drinks, and just drinking at home instead.
I was glad to see I’m already ahead of the game on this one. There are just too many risks involved, not even considering that you could get roofied. When a dude tries buys you a drink at a bar, he obviously just wants sex, and you more than likely just wanted the free vodka cranberry. Now, it’s like you owe him or something. What if you’re the one pursuing sex, though? Should you be buying him the drink? It’s all too confusing. We’re better off drinking wine at home and passing out on our own bathroom floors – it’s just safer.

I still have a lot of burning questions for these women of wisdom, so I hope they can get to the deep digging soon. Like, what’s the max number of days I can go without shampooing my hair? Have we come to a consensus on yoga pants yet? When should I tell my boyfriend about my aquarium fetish? Don’t leave me hanging, Girl Code!

(Photo: MTV)