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A Game of Thrones Season Finale Recap… From Someone Who Has Never Seen the Show Before Last Night

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HBO

A few weeks ago we had a guy in the office who had never watched a single episode of anything in The Bachelor franchise tune in to watch the season finale of The Bachelorette — you remember, the massively disappointing one? I digress. Either way, as part of the agreement — I (a GoT virgin) watched the other show that's taken the office by storm: Game of Thrones, for the movie-lengthed season seven finale. To be completely upfront, it's not like I have 0% knowledge on GoT. While, yes, most conversations I witness where people are talking about Game of Thrones sound like complete gibberish, I've picked up a few tidbits along the way. For example, I know that there's a lot of incest in the GoT universe and that it's basically NBD. I also know that the HBO show is based on a book series (but it's pretty much completely different) and that Jon Snow has died and come back to life. I also heard some rumors that he is/should be boning his cousin and people are super into it — but I guess I'm not totally sure on that one so strike it from the record.

I also know that basically everyone dies. As in life, true, but even more so in the Game of Thrones universe. I guess I should add one more thing to the “pre-existing knowledge” category and that's that I know Game of Thrones fans (Throners? Thronies? LMK pls) are super intense about the show. So I'm a little concerned as it kind of feels like I'm walking into a stranger's house, passing judgment and then posting my evaluation on the internet, but here we are.

I get a pre-watch pep talk via FaceTime from my BFF (her words of wisdom, “it'll be fine”), convert from contacts to glasses for maximum viewing quality and then settle in to watch the season seven finale with my two roommates who, by the way, are huge “Thronies” or whatever you people call yourselves.

“The Dragon and the Wolf”

HBO

Previously On…
I assume this is probably the most important part for me to watch but basically all that I pick up from this segment is that there's a pirate ship, it's on fire and there's some drama. I also come to understand that there's someone on the show named Littlefinger and the 10-year-old in me finds this to be hilarious.

The very last thing I learn from clips from past episodes is that it's confirmed — Jon Snow is just as hot as everyone says he is. As someone who needs some eye-candy to stay enthralled in a show (Sorry — but it's quite possibly the only reason I binged all three seasons of The Flash in under a week), I have a feeling I'm going to actually enjoy this.

One of my roommates, Kristen, tells me that there's a zombie dragon. My other roommate, Caroline, quickly reprimands her and encourages her to not tell me anything else. “She has to go in blind.”
So now you know I really am completely clueless (Not something I often like to admit but here we are).

Opening Credits:
This is a good song and it reminds me of watching the Golden Globe Awards. Probably cause they win a lot. Word association: Golden Globes, award shows — damn, the VMAs are on tonight. I wonder what crazy sh*t is going on over on MTV. Taylor Swift debuting her new music video, controversy over Taylor Swift, probably some overdone publicity stunt. It's not my first rodeo; I'll watch the highlights tomorrow morning.

MTV

Scene One:
The first full scene I ever see on Game of Thrones opens to a large army standing and looking serious in perfect blocks. I don't know who this army is, I don't know what they're protecting or possibly about to attack and I feel rather lost. I'm starting to question if I'm going to get anything out of this episode. Probably just a lot of spoilers if I ever decide to actually give GoT an honest shot.

There are 500 barrels, my lord. My lord wants 500 more.

But what are the barrels for? I assume some type of war thing (yes, “war thing” is about as far as my vocabulary goes in this particular sect of fantasy). I can get down with Harry Potter as much as the next girl but once we get into lugging barrels over castle walls, my only association is a stick-drawing game called “Defend Your Castle” that I used to play in 6th grade on my middle school's desktop computers in the lab. “Defend Your Castle” and “Dolphin Olympics 2” were the only internet games that hadn't been blocked on the school's server (yet!) so we played what we could access.

Damn, I've gotten distracted and when I finally refocus it's just a lot of cock-talk. Literally.
I'm left wondering, do these men really not have cocks???? Or is this other guy just being rude?
“Cocks in the end” one guy *literally* says.
Wow, and I learn that someone's brother has chosen to side with the cock-less?
Are we allowed to say cock this many times on the site? Will have to check.

It seems the cock-talk has stopped for now but holy sh*t it appears having cocks or not having them is a big theme in Game of Thrones, I'll speculate on what that symbolizes later when I'm not supposed to be absorbing all of this Game of Thrones information at once.

We now see men on horses that are storming towards the castle… but won't they just run into the wall? No, Caroline tells us, “they're just showing their numbers.” Ah, it's just bravado and all that. Cockless bravado, I suppose — but bravado nonetheless.

Jon Snow is back on the screen and I'll say it again — I'd seen photos of Kit Harington before but he is even hotter in live-action.

Scene Two:
Warning, I'm definitely not going to be able to keep up with counting all of the scenes. It's distracting from the narrative.

What the f*ck is in this weird chest?

The short-haired blonde woman wearing a gorg tiara says “Kill the silver-haired bitch, first” — come on, girl, are we not all feminists, here?

New scene, and the short guy and my new boyfriend, Jon Snow are walking together. I must say it really doesn't look cold enough to justify Jon Snow's #OOTD but he still looks pretty damn good so I'll allow the furry pelts.

“You can suck his magic cock later,” I hear, referring to the short guy.

That guy, after all, was being serious about the cockless-ness thing before so it's safe to say I'm intrigued.

HBO

We're told that Arya is alive in Winterfell (full disclosure: I originally referred to it as “Waterfall” but was harshly corrected by one of my BFFs via text message).

I'm guessing this isn't brand new information because my roomies seem unfazed and the other short-haired blonde (not the bad feminist but a huskier one) says Arya doesn't need protecting with a smirk. I'm getting gay vibes, here, but maybe it's just me.

The short guy (I'm told his name is Tyrion because I feel it's rude to only refer to him as ‘the short guy') is willing to pay double for something but I really don't know what.

Queen Cersei wants Tyrion's head. I understand this means that she wants him dead, but I'm not sure if his literal severed head is a requirement. It is Game of Thrones and I'm a newbie. Yet, despite all the sh*t talk between the two bros, it looks like the sassy man (my later research tells me his name is Bronn) and Tyrion exchange some playful banter and just might be friends after all? That's kind of what I assume went down between Mayweather and McGregor behind closed doors after the fight, too.

My roommates tell me that Tyrion hates his sister and that Bronn used to work for Tyrion and now works for his sister, so there's some fam drama it appears. We've all been there.

There's a lot of all-knowing head nods and thoughtful eye contact in this show. I get the feeling I'm missing something. Moreover, I know I am.

HBO

“Am I going to die in this shit city?” somebody says. Literally a thought I've had about 200 times during my life. #Relatable

I'm beginning to understand that this short-haired bad feminist with the tiara is Tyrion's sister. There seems to be a lot of feelz in their eye contact. But if all these peeps are enemies, then why are they all meeting up for a hang out sesh right now?

That's a scary face underneath the body guard's mask. Kristen says it's because “he died and came back to life” but that happened to Jon Snow and he still looks fine as hell so I'm confused. This will be a recurring pattern for the next 60-odd minutes.

NBC

I learn that Tyrion didn't travel to the castle with some girl and I'm wondering what the sitch is. Break up? Divorce? Fight? Not so sure but if I was going to a business conference with someone I knew personally and we didn't arrive together, you can bet your bottom dollar that there's some behind-the-scenes drama going on.

We have a dragon here, people! I've heard so much about these lil guys. I will say this makes the CGI in Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire look a little like sh*t but I'm still going to say the Hungarian Horntail is a more frightening beast because this dragon seems like a cuddly teddy bear on the inside. Kind of like Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, you know what I mean?

Daenerys finally arrives. Wondering what the connection between her and Tyrion. Lovers? Friends? Unclear. I'm also surprised I spelled her name right on the first shot.

I must admit, she's almost as hot as Jon Snow. I'm genuinely shocked I haven't watched this show already for the attractive cast alone. She looks like she might be related to the tiara-wearing bad feminist but I can't confirm it just yet.

Then again, the “bad feminist” did just tell the big, aggressive man to “sit down or leave” so maybe she's not that bad a feminist, after all, ya feel me?

E!

Okay so I think I'm catching on — this is like, some United Nations-type meeting? Jon Snow says, “this isn't about living in harmony, it's about living.” A hunk with a silver tongue. Do Jon Snow fans have a name? Like Beliebers or Harmonizers do? I would join that fan club, just sayin'.

What's a usurper? Daenerys is called a “would-be usurper” by Cersei (finally figured out that woman's name) and it seems like the ultimate clap back in Got-land.

More all-knowing glances as this guy opens a chest and my roommates are certain “it” (whatever “it” is), is going to kill/eat someone.

Everyone — both on the show and in my apartment — seems very concerned.

NBC

I'm not loving the look of this zombie-looking thing. He's just been cut in half, but that doesn't kill him which is horrifying. Oh, and now a hand has been severed too. It seems very unwise to touch the hand, yet the presenter does just that. Haven't you seen Harry Potter? or Buffy? Severed hands always seem to get their revenge. Even more concerned now.

Jon Snow, our hero, kills the gross zombie thing and claims “every person in the world” will become one if these rivals don't team up. There are one-hundred thousand zombie-things at least. They can't swim though, so… not that impressive.

Kristen informs me they can still freeze the water to get to you so the H20 intolerance isn't really that big of a deterrent.

That other guy says something about “when winter is over” which I guess explains Jon's attire… cause it's still winter? More on that later, I hope.

Cersei accepts the truce but I think she's got something up her sleeve because we know the b is shady. Ned Stark's son, Cersei tells us, will be true to his word but I really don't get what the big deal is. That said, I do know that Jon Snow has #DaddyIssues so perhaps this is the loophole we've all been waiting for? He's not really Ned Stark's son.

CBS

Caroline informs me she doesn't think Jon Snow is hot. Kristen says he's got a bad personality. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't fairly offended by their comments, even though I've known both of them for years and met Jon Snow approximately 30 minutes ago. ~When you know, you know~ right?

Daenerys literally says, “But my dragon died so we could be here” like it's the ultimate sacrifice and I'm truly laughing out loud because it sounds like the most dramatic phrase I've ever heard on TV… and we all already know that I watch The Bachelor so that's saying something.

Tyrion is pissed that Jon Snow won't lie and Jon Snow seems offended. He insists that he can not and will not lie (I'm just over here waiting for the flashback scenes to him and Harry Potter in Ms. Umbridge's office writing “I must not tell lies” on the magic scroll). One thing, however, does stand out to me: Jon Snow is loyal, too?! Ugh, truly my prince.

Tbh, I'm kind of digging this whole thing. Definitely wondering if a seven season binge is in store for me starting tomorrow.

Tyrion's talking to Jamie and refers to Cersei as “the most murderous woman in the world” and all of a sudden I like her better.

Kristen and Caroline tell me that these two are brothers (I'm shocked) and it feels like the two should have a fun, secret handshake from childhood before he goes in to talk to his sister — a move I feel might possibly translate to death. I wonder if it's weird for Tyrion that his brother and sister, who are twins, are ~together~. (Oh, yeah, my roommates let that one slip, too.)

Cersei calls Daenerys a “foreign whore.” Damn, internalized misogyny is such a bitch.

This convo between Cersei and Tyrion seems like my family drama on crack. Now Tyrion's just trying to persuade her into killing him? I'm calling his bluff but what's the end goal here, bro?

Walt Disney Pictures

Tyrion chugs a glass of wine. Which, quite frankly, is a bit triggering considering I ~overindulged~ last night.

“You'd know it in your heart… if there's anything left of it” so says Tyrion. Savage. Writing that down for the next text fight I get in with one of my sisters.

I've heard a lot of jokes about this bending of the knee thing (especially as it related to The Bachelorette‘s Rachel so I kind of giggle every time it's brought up.

This Cersei quote sounds like a Shakespeare monologue. Beautiful, but I'm bored.

Okay now we're back outside watching a conversation between the two hottest people on the show (IMHO), Jon and Daenerys, and since the previously on… snippets made it look like there was some flirtation, I'm guessing they haven't sealed the deal yet. Quite honestly, I don't even feel the sexual tension.

Oh — Nevermind, big time. He just pulled the, “You're not like everyone else (read: ‘other girls')” so he's clearly DTF.

For all the talk about how many people on GoT die, I'm kind of surprised we're 40 minutes in and nobody's bitten the dust yet. I'm not usually into gory violence but at this point, I'm feeling mildly underwhelmed.

Also, I've heard the sex scenes are pretty steamy, too, and not to be pervy but I'm thoroughly wondering when I can see what all the hype is about.

Cersei's back and giving a pretty bad ass speech. Seriously, I can not decide if I hate this bitch or want to get mani/pedis with her next weekend. Maybe both (we've all been there, right?).

New scene in what I can only describe as a sketchy basement (possibly shed?) and this redhead woman seems surprised that the older man is suggesting that Jon wants to marry Daenerys. I'm kind of just like, “GIRL, I literally just started watching this show and I know he does already. Where TF ya been?”

Not going to lie, this older man also seems like a straight-up creep.

Universal Pictures

Okay, back to the castle watching the alliance talks. Reminds me of talks in the HOH room of Big Brother but minus, you know, all this talk of “The North.” Wonder what's going on up there.

I'm informed the redhead's name is Sansa and she's Arya and Jon's sister. Damn, if they had to do a family tree project like I had to in 5th grade, that would've been a seriously difficult poster to put together.

Lots of talk between Jon and this other guy (Theon) about all the “terrible regrets” he has and Jon pretty much just corroborates that the dude has done some pretty effed up sh*t.

Jon just called Theon “a Stark” and Theon reacts as if it's The Bachelorette season finale and Jon's just offered him the final rose.

ABC

Prediction: Theon's going to be dead by the end of the episode. This prediction comes before Theon goes and confronts the pirate-looking man on the beach.

Fist fight! This is fun. As a girl who watches ice hockey solely for the fights, I'm officially entertained.

“Stay down or I'll kill you,” the pirate says. Looks like my prediction is gonna happen sooner rather than later cause Theon is not staying down.

Theon smirks as this pirate guy kicks him in the should-be balls. “Jokes on you, I don't have a penis.” (Paraphrase.)

Theon beats the dude to death which feels like a triumph but I'm nursing my wounds over the failed prediction. Hey, there's still time.

Sansa's getting some seriously low screen time which is surprising considering I've heard so much about her.

Wait there seems to be a twist… Sansa's putting Lord Bailish on trial here, not her sister! HOLY F*CKING SH*T seems to be the appropriate response even though I don't know what's happening.

My roommates are freaking out. Arya says, “my sister's asked you a question.” Sansa's really flipped the script on this scumbag. He's been cornered.

I'm understanding this to be totally an analogy for the patriarchy… or at least it is for me. “Turn sister against sister,” Sansa says. I FEEL YOU, GIRL. Good thing Sansa can't be fooled so easily.

Finally some bloodshed. But I can't lie, I'm feeling a bit squeamish about the spurty blood.

We're back at the castle with the incestuous twins. “I need a moment with my brother,” Cersei says. Oh, it's on. Except maybe not?

It appears that Cersei was lying to the squad. Officially uninviting her to our weekend mani/pedi date. Despite the woman making it seem like she was actually going to kill her baby-daddy/brother for disagreeing with her, it seems Jamie has somehow skirted by alive.

It's suddenly snowing now and this is, apparently, a very big deal.

“When's the last time winter came there?” my roommate asks.
“It doesn't snow there,” my other roommate responds. The f*ck?

This singing in the background music is super weird.

There's an emo boy sitting by the fire holding up a tiny scroll who tells us that Jon Snow's real name isn't Snow… it's Sand. Honestly, “Jon Sand” doesn't sound half as sexy as “Jon Snow” does, so I think we'll leave it as is.

It also looks like The Emo Kid knows that Jon and Daenerys are related and… it's the moment I've been waiting for. They cut to some sexy time… BETWEEN DAYNERYS AND JON… as their familial connection is being revealed. I can't say I'm disappointed in this turn of events. That said, I thought we already knew that Jon and Daenerys were related.

Confirmed: the sex scenes in GoT are graphic.

I'm sensing this “heir to the Iron Throne” business is gonna cause some controversy and possibly a bit of relationship/family drama between the new lovers.

Poor Tyrion looks majorly bummed cause I think he was crushing on Daenerys and just listened to his crush get banged by her nephew. Classic.

HBO

Some cute sister moments between Arya/Sansa… I think I'm getting the hang of this show.

We see The Emo Kid bein' emo by a snowy tree with his eyes rolled back into his head. That's a thing of my nightmares.

Now there are some creepy things walking slowly as an even creepier thing on a creepy horse casually approaches. I'm sensing some sh*t's about to go down. Yeah — these people are screwed. The zombie dragon (which I'd forgotten about until now!) is the thing of my nightmares, The Emo Kid with the freaky eyes has been put in the #2 spot. I'll confess that this zombie dragon is definitely scarier than the Hungarian Horntail and not a softy like our other dragon friend so clearly is.

I wonder which one of my coworkers is getting points for all this death and destruction in their GoT fantasy league.

Cut to creds. My roommates tell me that was a “great episode” which is a little surprising to me because I didn't think there was that much bloody death and it took a loooong time to get the climactic ending. I'm not disappointed though and have *officially* agreed to watch seasons one through seven with my roommates.

Final Thoughts:

The CW

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