Just Like Papouli, We Need To Let Full House Rest In Peace

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Michelle Tanner you gottta be kidding me full house quote - Copy

I know what you're going to say about my title. “How rude!” But bear with me, because by the time you finish reading this graduate school thesis on the problems with a Full House revival, you'll agree with me. And if not, I banish you to live in a converted garage basement where you will raise your best friend's daughters while he pursues a career as San Francisco's lankiest public access morning show host. I know, I went there.

So as you probably read all over the interweb last night, Full House might be getting a revival. Not because the show's stood up to the test of time (it hasn't), but because the actors involved want money. So far John Stamos, Dave Coulier, Bob Saget, Candace Cameron Bure,  Jodie Sweetin and Andrea Barber are interested in the project. Coincidentally those are all people who are not currently starring on other TV shows. The Hollywood Reporter notes that there's no word yet on if Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen will also join the revival. But I'm not holding my breath, we know they won't — because they have far, far too much self-respect for that. And yes, in this context, self-respect does mean money. Lots and lots of money.

While all the '90s nostalgists are wetting themselves right now out of excitement for this possible show, let me remind you of Full House's premise. Just in case you haven't thought about it since you were 9-years-old. Ready? Okay!

A young father loses his wife in a car accident and invites her brother and his best friend to help raise his daughters. It's a comedy, because, wait for it, men can't raise girls! It's also a comedy because Elvis jokes. I would go as far as to say an excessive amount of Elvis jokes for a show created in the late '80s.

As much as I loved this show as a kid, there were a few problems that became evident when I started watching reruns as an adult. For example, what is Joey's life and why does everyone accept that his best friend is a woodchuck that he controls? Also, how do Becky and Jesse explain to their twin sons that their rock star dad chose to raise them in another family's attic? Last, but not least, what happened to the “very special” episode where Kimmy Gibbler sued Danny, Jesse and Joey for bullying her.

I hate to always be the bearer of bad news when it comes to '90s show revivals, but this reboot won't be good. Not unless it's a straight up parody of the original show, Sad Full House style. You will watch it and you will feel uncomfortable and you will feel sad and you will feel an urge to google Blake and Dylan . I won't be able to help you with the first two feelings, but I can save you time on the third. They haven't acted since Full House ended, which based on their early work, is probably for the best. Although, still, twenty years later, I'm jealous of their sweet car beds.

So guys, remember what we learned with that whole Boy Meets World remake and let Full House exist solely in reruns. I promise you, it's for the best. Like Uncle Jesse learned when he got stuck underground on the way to his belated high school graduation, trying to live in the past never ends well.

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