Bad News For Parents Who Like Their Straight Kids:Frozen Already Turned Them Gay

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Anna Frozen Movie Sitting down

Remember that time you had two perfectly straight children who did perfectly straight things in your perfectly straight home? Well forget that time, because if you've taken your kids to see Frozen, they're gay now. The more times they've seen it, the more gay they are. Suddenly all those fun family “Let it Go” singing sessions don't seem so fun anymore. Not when you realize that the song was slowly indoctrinating your sons into become sissies and your daughters into becoming tomboys. Don't look now but your son just sashayed and your daughter just built a snowwomyn…who doesn't want kids but is instead thinking of climbing the corporate ladder. And what's that? Did you hear that? It's your baby's first word, and it's equality.

While this scene might seem exaggerated, it's currently a reality in millions of homes across Amurica. At least according to Pastor Kevin Swanson. He recently recorded a podcast in which he accused the devil of buying Disney in order to indoctrinate your children into being lil' gay sinners. Why wouldn't the devil just indoctrinate your children by injecting gay juice into them when they're sleeping? Well, like you, the devil's caught up in the corporate rat race too. And Disney offered him a great benefits package that includes braces for his kids. So  the devil bought Disney back in the '90s and started churning out movies that slowly, but surely, turned straight kids gay. And the scariest part is that parents don't even realize that they're condemning their children to an eternity in hell by spending a Saturday afternoon at the movies.

“I wonder if people are thinking, ‘You know, I think this cute little movie is going to indoctrinate my 5-year-old to be a lesbian or treat homosexuality or bestiality in a light sort of way.' I wonder if the average parent going to see ‘Frozen' is thinking that way.”

While I must've been in the bathroom during the notorious bestiality scene, it does explain why I'm suddenly looking at reindeer differently. After all, before seeing Frozen, I passed them in the street without giving them a second glance. But now I can't help but stare at their antlers and their fur and oh goodness, now I'm into bestiality. Dratches! And to think that I thought the worst part of the day was ponying up the cash to see this movie gay propaganda in 3D!

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