Farrah Abraham Masturbates To Her Own Sex Tape, So That’s Perfect

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Farrah Abraham on Howard Stern June 2013I give up. I give up on the news and my job for today and every day, because the moment I saw the headline announcing that Farrah Abraham masturbates to her own sex tape, I knew that I not only needed to read that story, but that I also needed to write it up. Such is the plight of the celebrity blogger, but I have never borne that load as heavily as I have today. And yes, I know there's a ‘load' joke in there somewhere, but my brain is too disappointed in me to make anything of it. So, here I go. Sigh.

Farrah went on Howard Stern‘s SiriusXM radio show today to promote god knows what — certainly not herself, if you believe what she tells Howard — and there is apparently no limit to how much this girl can annoy me. First of all, she's still insisting that her sex tape with James Deen was intended to be private, which has to be an effing joke at this point. I mean c'mon girl, I've seen the clip. It's with a man who is probably the most well-known porn star in the game right now, and you got paid $1.2 million for its sale! That's not how things fall out when you make a secret sex tape and it somehow leaks to the media — just ask Joe Jonas. You got famous on Teen Mom and you profited off of that fame in a fairly disgusting (in my opinion) and yet intelligent way. I could have a modicum of respect for you, if you would just admit it! But she won't, even when one of Howard's staffers calls her out on lying.

And then just when I thought she couldn't make it worse, she reveals that, “I masturbate to…I, like, watch my own video.” Oh yeah, perfect. Thank you so much for that. That is a fact that I really needed in my life, and it gives me great pleasure to write it up so that our website can get more clicks, because this is sadly one of the most-viewed stories of the year so far. I FEEL REALLY GREAT ABOUT THAT. It makes me feel so super jolly about mankind.

So I'm sorry that I keep seeking you out to try to make you famous against your will, Farrah. Feel free to split that $1.2 million with me any direction you'd like. Except from behind. Unlike you, I'm not into that.