Everything I Know About New Jersey, I Learned From Watching Television

By  | 

With Made In Jersey premiering tonight, I'm relieved to announce that CBS has finally jumped on the ‘shows-centered-in-and-around-New-Jersey' bandwagon that everyone else has been bouncing around in for years now. At last, they've discovered what every other network has known since 2009: New Jersey is the ideal place to base a show. It's just trashy enough to be hip again, like ironically going to Chuck E. Cheese for your birthday, or listening to 90s boybands, or wearing glasses without a prescription to look smarter. The only problem is, since Made In Jersey is joining the party so late, I don't know if I have any more room in the Jersey section of my brain for any new stimuli. With television already flooded with shows like Jerseylicious, Jersey Shore, and The Real Housewives of New Jersey, I don't know if I can honestly absorb any more Jersey-based information. And those are just the shows with the state actually in the title. There are dozens of other shows that are set in Jersey or filmed in Jersey that are all crowding around in my head, too.

Because you see, I'm a real student of the 21st century, and we don't get our information from books or newspapers or Google anymore. Instead, we just turn on the television and let it instruct us in the arts of intelligence and entertainment, like a benevolent, electronic geisha. Instead of going to the effort of typing something into Wikipedia, we can now just turn our faces toward the picture box and leave it on until we're all full up on information juice. I'm extremely skilled at this process, which is how I came to know so much about New Jersey. So, in honor of the premier of the (much-awaited) Made in Jersey, let me show you how TV has shaped my life, with this (even muchlier awaited) post, ‘Everything I Know About New Jersey, I Learned From Watching Television'.

Jerseylicious taught me that New Jersey is full, literally full of stylists. They account for approximately 55% of the population, with the other 45% being made up by those stylists' significant others and Chris Christie.

The least desirable place in New Jersey to live is not, as previously suspected, The Meadowlands, where Jimmy Hoffa is rumored to be buried, but instead, Jersey City. I learned this from the fact that its residents allowed JWoww & Snooki to film there.

From The Real Housewives, I learned that the New Jersey universal sign for ‘I disagree with you', is table-flipping. This differs significantly from the universal sign of disagreement for the New York Housewives, which is the gnashing of one's teeth and the shaking of one's hair, accompanied by an unhealthy opening of the eyes.

From Boardwalk Empire and The Sopranos, both of which are set in Jersey, I learned that the state's greatest import is shiny black guns, and its greatest export is unattractive males who are nonetheless inexplicably attractive. Sometimes referred to as “Jersey's Greatest Mystery”.

The state flower of New Jersey is the cocaine blossom, which the state uses as an alternative energy to fuel the cast of Jersey Shore in their late-night binges. On an unrelated note, that's also the show that taught me to age gracefully.

And finally, Cake Boss, which is filmed in Hoboken, taught me that New Jersey, not America, is the true land of opportunity, because you can grow up to be the boss of something delicious. Cake. Boss. Boss of cake. What could possibly be wrong with that.

And no, since you ask, I don't think television has had a negative affect on my development. At all. In any way. And even if it had, House  taught me that if you get sick in New Jersey, you're gonna want to find your way to a doctor with a limp and a fake American accent, otherwise nobody's gonna have any goddamn idea what sort of ailment you're suffering from and they're gonna waste 45 minutes of your time and only find out how to save your life in the last 15 minutes.

Yeah, you guys, I'm totally fine. And also super well educated about the state of New Jersey. BONUS.

(Image: CBS / SugarSlam / The Unenthused Nomad / MTV)