Every Single Member Of One Direction Will Have Celebration Sex Tonight

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In fabulous news for Harry Styles, Niall Horan, Louis Tomlinson, Zayn Malik and Liam Payne, their new song “Live While We're Young” just broke records for the fastest selling single in pre-order history. Yep, let that sink in. One Direction is so loved and so cherished that fans ordered their single before even hearing it. That's like buying a new outfit after hearing someone describe to you in vague terms. “The shirt has two sleeves and it kinda like goes to your belly button, but longer. And the pants are cool because they have a zipper and pockets, yeah!”

So whether you like One Direction music or you hate them, they're clearly here for awhile. Just like The Spice Girls and The Backstreet Boys, we'll be hearing about these guys for the rest of our lives. Prepare for moments when you have to hire a babysitter for your children because the One Direction reunion tour is in town. Get ready for the day when your grandkids asks you “what is a Harry Styles?” and “why do you make me listen to One Direction songs on my holographic headphones that you bought me on Mars?”

But forget about the future for a second focus on the here and now.  (I know, I'm so bossy!) As we all know, One Direction gets publicity for their music as well as their relationships. They're boy-men who like having sex, like talking about sex and like teasing us with their prospect that it could be with us. (And please note that typing that sentence definitely creeped me out.)

So I think it's fair to say they're all having celebration sex tonight. Every last one. Harry Styles might even do it twice. Twice with every single married women in Britain! Heck, Larry Stylinson could finally break free from their handlers and show the world their love. Now that One Direction made history with this single, anything can happen.*

*If you're a women in the vicinity of the One Direction boys. This statement probably doesn't apply to anyone else. Sorry.