Endless Love Is So Bad That It’s Brilliant

By  | 

Alex Pettyfer David Valet Endless Love


This news causes Mr. Butterfield to blow a gasket. Possibly even two gaskets. He's had enough of this low-life valet making his daughter happy. He's taking the entire family (including memories of the dead son) to the lake house. Jade protests because she's in love and the whole point of skipping the internship was to have sex with her boyfriend. Her dad's like, “I know Jade, that's why I'm taking you away from here.” Except TWIST, the lake house is like 5 minutes from town and David shows up 5 minutes later. Literally, Jade gets there, sits down on a couch to mope and before she can even shed a tear, David rings the doorbell. So the entire lake house plan is ruined right away. But I'm so happy the producers spent money on that set!

Cue another musical montage where Jade and David fall even more in love. In this one, they get high with a few people and sneak into the zoo. There's a scene, and I shit you not, where the friends (oh Jade has those now) lay down in a circle INSIDE the elephant exhibit and an elephant sprays water on them. And it's portrayed as carefree and fun and not at all insanely dangerous. Things take a turn for the worse though when the cops show up to see who broke into the zoo. David valiantly sacrifices himself to them so that PreMed Jade has time to run away.

So Jade goes running home and begs her father to get David out of jail. And Mr. Butterfield agrees to if and only if Jade goes to her internship at Brown and never speaks to him again. She says yes, ANYTHING FOR DAVID. So Mr. Butterfield gets David out of jail and gleefully tells him that he and Jade are dunzo.

End of movie.

JK suckerz! This love is endless and so is this movie. Jade finds her balls (hidden under her the key to her chastity belt) and disobeys her father by going to see David. But he's all like, “umm go to college Jade and forget about me. I'm filth, no I'm lower than filth, I'm a valet.” So Jade drives away in tears and gets in a car accident, reminding all of us that this is why women should not be allowed to drive. Their hormones can't help but get in the way. But don't stress, with the exception of a few artfully placed bruises, Jade's totes fine. But Mr. Butterfield's angrier than ever about Jade's obsession with David. So he gets a restraining order again David and sends Jade off to Brown. Somehow his Father of the Year Award gets lost in the mail.

Fast forward to December.

David runs into Mrs. Butterfield and is like “is Jade coming home for Christmas? I NEED TO SEE HER!” And Mrs. Butterfield is all, “Oh, Mr. Butterfield will be so mad at me if I tell you, but okay! Meet her at the airport. #YoungLove #EndlessLove #SayGoodToInnocence.” So David goes to the airport, buys a ticket (which is like fourteen quatrillion dollars for a valet), finds Jade and tells her he still loves her. She says the same. They kiss and then part.

End of movie.


Like I said, this love is endless. So Jade leaves David at the airport and goes home with her parents. Mr. Butterfield finds not-dead brother playing with candles in dead-brother's room and blows anther gasket at this flagrant display of disrespect. Bringing the total blown gasket count in this movie to three. He gets in a fight with non-dead brother, and then Jade when she tells him she's leaving with David. To where? I'm not sure. But leaving! She's in love and it's endless and no one can stop her! NO ONE! Except a fire.

Yes, the house sets on fire from all those candles that the non-dead brother lit. Somehow no one notices, except the entire audience who is like the roof, the roof, the roof is literally on fire. Long story short, David saves Mr. Butterfield from dying in the fire then Mr. Butterfield saves David from dying in the fire and then Mr. Butterfield admits that this whole anti-David thing was really about his dead son (sure!) and David's all like “it's totally cool dude, I banged your daughter either way.” Then they're one big happy family.

End of movie. For real this time. But obvi fingers crossed for a prequel about this dead son who turned a family man into an evil villain who hates love.

Pages: 3