Entertainment

Endless Love Is So Bad That It’s Brilliant

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Endless Love Riding in the back of the truck makeout

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Fast forward to Jade's party. It's full of waiters with trays and old people who her parents probably had to beg to attend. And David. He shows up just when Jade's about to have an epiphany about how “making friends” works. She's all like, “booo, no one came.” And David's all like, “oh, that's because there's another awesome par-tay happening tonight and everyone's there and I guess I should've told you that information before letting you throw this embarrassmentfest.”

Then in a romantic gesture that will go down in rom-com history, David calls the cops to get them to break up the other party. Meaning all those drunk teenagers have nowhere to go besides Jade's party. Within seconds, the mansion's full of sloppy teens. Jade's not-dead brother suggests that everyone at the party pair off, pick a song out of a hat and spend 30 minutes coming up with a choreographed dance. While I expected the kids to locate Abby Lee Miller and throw her at him, they instead LOVED the idea. And after I see all the choreographed dances, it's clear why! They're all phenomenal dancers! Can you believe it?! Anyways, the whole point of this scene was to show David and Jade doing a sexy choreographed dance together. So sexy that David pulls Jade into a closet to kiss her. Their lips are about to touch when Jade's father starts looking for her. They hear him and continue to almost touch lips for a solid minute. The kiss never happens. Which is weird because they were as close as you can get to it happening. Not sure what step they they thought they were missing.

Jade's father finds them in the closet — in front of all the party guests!!! — and kicks everyone out. But twist, Jade runs after David and gives him a big old smack on the lips. Mr. Butterfield, who's possibly the first ever rom-com villain, wants to quash this relationship right away. But his wife convinces him to invite David to dinner. Also to locate that key to Jade's chastity belt. Mr. Butterfield agrees to the first suggestion. But then nearly throws up his dinner when he learns that David's not going to college. He shakes his fist at God and asks what he did to deserve a valet at his dinner table. Then he and the missus retire to bed, presumably to pray for David's demise.

Which leaves Jade totally free to have sex with David in their library with the door open in front of a blazing fire. Because the best way to warm your father up to your new anti-college-valet boyfriend is to maximize the chances that he'll catch you FUCKING HIM in the library. After they sex each other, Jade breaks the news to David that she has to leave in 10 days to do an internship at Brown. He whines because he thought they'd be able to have sex all summer. She's like, “look, my dad got me this internship and without it, I'll never get into med school.” Because in this world, med school requires students to do an internship before college even starts. David makes the best of things by treating Jade to the world's most fun-filled 10-day musical montage ever. We have concerts and we have water fights and we have carefree rides in the back of pick-up trucks and heartfelt kisses that touch our hearts and capture our souls. It's such a good musical montage that Jade agrees to skip her internship and spend the rest of the summer with David.

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