Endless Love Is So Bad That It’s Brilliant

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Endless Love Fireplace sex scene


The only thing I enjoy more than watching an Oscar-worthy film in theaters is watching a horribly scripted rom-com with wooden actors, cliche dialogue, bad accents, nonsensical plots and diabolical dads. So you can only imagine how much I loved watching Endless Love this week. You know what, I take that back. You can't imagine that, because never in the history of horrible movies has a human being enjoyed a movie this much. I loved it so much that I'm tempted to march right back to that theater, steal the movie from them and take it out on a swanky Valentine's Day Date.

With all that said, you should absolutely not pay money to see this in theaters. Which sucks for you because I just gave it rave reviews. But don't worry, I've got your back. Rather than paying to see it, you can just read my synopsis right here. (Send thank you notes to Jenni c/o The Crushable Offices.)

The movie starts with a dramatic narration from David TooPoor4ALastName (Alex Pettyfer) about Jade Butterfield (Gabriella Wilde). You see, her brother died during her sophomore year and she's been a shut-in spinster ever since. Despite being the most beautiful creature alive (my words, not his), she has no friends. Well besides her parents and her books. David tells us that he's wanted to be with her ever since freshman year, but she's a total ice queen and talks to no one. So to recap what we know so far, this beautiful, smart high school girl with an ice queen attitude has no friends. Sure, definitely, that's not all the formula that it usually takes to be popular.

The Butterfields go to a posh restaurant to celebrate Jade's graduation. And twist of fate alert, David works there as a valet. Some might say it's great that a high school student has a job. Others (*cough* Mr. Butterfield *cough*) might say that a valet's one step above being a serial killer. When Jade's getting out of the car, she drops her books/friends and David picks them up.  She says thank you and BOOM, the ice queen curse is broken. Turns out all you had to do to break it was to speak to her. If only David had tried that trick before they graduated! While it's now crystal clear they're destined for each other, Jade still goes inside to eat with her family.

Her parents ask her what she wants for graduation and she replies that she wants a party. Both her parents and her not-dead brother look at her in shock. Because, um, you kinda need friends to have a party. But Jade explains that she wants to throw it because high school is when you're supposed to make your best friends for life and she wants to make them before it's too late. No one at the table has the heart to tell her it's too late. Waaayyy tooooo late. Instead they're like, “okkaayyy Jade, honey boo boo, that makes sense.” (Also, this seems like the right time to tell you that Jade wears cute dresses with converses throughout the movie so we know from the start that she has a hidden edge. Converse, the official sneakers of rebels who obey curfews.)

Obviously Jade knows who she wants to invite to her party — David! The only person who talked to her in high school! She runs downstairs and shyly invites him. Like the Butterfields, David's surprised she's throwing a party. But also like them, he tells her it sounds like a fab idea, he'll totes come. To celebrate the good news, David, his nameless friend and Jade “borrow” a rude customer's car who dropped it off at the valet stand and take it for a joy ride. The convertible has the roof down so you can only imagine how free Jade feels in it. Within seconds she goes from repressed Daddy's girl to a woman. Dare I say it, but I think she gets her first period in this scene.

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