There’s Going To Be A New Fifty Shades Book From Christian Grey’s POV, Because Even E.L. James Hates Anastasia

By  | 


Well, everyone, it's coming. The book that literally no one asked for: A new Fifty Shades of Grey novel from the perspective of the one, the only man who keeps a playroom for his X-box Christian Grey! Because remember that time Stephenie Meyer tried to release a new Twilight book from Edward Cullen's perspective? That was funny.

I can only assume that author E.L. James got a glimpse of the honest trailer and realized that even she thought Anastasia Steele was the worst—that really is the only explanation for writing yet another book. Except apparently it's not, because she released a statement explaining the book earlier today:

“Christian is a complex character, and readers have always been fascinated by his desires and motivations, and his troubled past. Also, as anyone who has ever been in a relationship knows, there are two sides to every story.”

I have so many questions about this statement. Like, first off, when is this story going to start? Are we going to have to go all the way back to the beginning? Are we going back to his childhood? Are we going to have to listen to Christian's thought process re: removing Anastasia's tampon?? I don't think anyone asked for that, despite the fact that James said the following,

 “This book is dedicated to those readers who asked…and asked… and asked… and asked for this.”

WHY WOULD ANYONE ASK FOR THIS? I mean, I'll admit that I read the books so I could adequately mock them, and it was uncomfortable enough during the few scenes where we had to listen to Christian describe his dreams. I'm 99 percent sure E.L. James hasn't experienced any trauma in her life, because if she had, she wouldn't have written about it so poorly. Then again, she probably hasn't had sex either, because I don't know anyone who would say “holy crap” or talk about their inner goddess doing a samba while gettin' down.

Oh, and you know what's worse? The book is coming out on June 18, which is, supposedly, Christian's birthday. Goodbye, vomiting forever, also I'll probably find a PDF of it somewhere so, you know, I'll let you know how it goes. #HypocrisyAtItsFinest #FiftyShadesOfWhyIsThisBookHappening

(GIF: Giphy)