Dear America: Let’s Agree To Get Over The Jennifer Aniston And Angelina Jolie Love Triangle Saga

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Dear America,

Come over here. Yeah right here. Just want to have a quick chat with you about your neverending obsession with the Jennifer Aniston, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt love triangle. It's absolutely out of control. Just today quotes came out from InStyle's March issue came out where Jennifer says, “The triangle with my ex-husband – and that there's a feud there. It's constant. It's a story headline that won't go away, but it's a money thing.”

How is this still constant? They divorced in 2005. For any non-Physics majors reading this, that's 7 years ago. And we all know that with America's pop culture ADD, 7 Hollywood years is equivalent to 100 human years.

Let's go over some other pop-culture news from 2005 that your probably forgot:

  • Michael Jackson is found not guilty of child molestation charges. Meaning what? He was still alive in 2005.
  • The movie Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire came out. That's the fourth movie. So four movies came out after that one.
  • Hitch was in theaters. Yeah that movie that you've now seen 67 times on TBS was in actual movie theaters.
  • The most downloaded song of the year was Gwen Stefani's “Hollback Girl.” Can you even remember a time when that song sounded new and didn't annoy you?
  • Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got engaged.

Suri Cruise's daily jacket choices aside, are we still talking about any of these events? No. They're no longer relevant and we no longer care. We have a pop culture attention span of six minutes. I've already heard people say that it was Nicki Minaj who flipped everyone off at the Super Bowl halftime show. Give it another week and the story will be that Gisele Bunchden marched onto the field during halftime and verbally flipped us the finger.

So why then are we still talking about the hypothetical affair between Brad and Angie on the set of Mr. and Mrs. Smith? And why are we still insinuating that Angie sank her claws into Brad and dragged him away from a completely happy marriage? Maybe Brad had an affair and maybe he didn't. I don't know.

But here's what I do know. Happily married people don't have affairs and they don't just leave their wives in a spur of the moment decision. I”m not a marriage counselor and I can tell you that. Brad and Jen divorced because there were already problems in their marriage before he met Angie.

And that's why it's time for us to move on. It's time for us to let go of Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston's star-crossed marriage. It's over. It's been over. Brad Pitt has 6 children with Angie now and Jen is seriously dating Justin Theroux. They've said goodbye to their marriage and it's time we do the same.

Seriously yours,