David Beckham Retires From Soccer, Which Doesn’t Matter Because That Was Never The Reason We Liked Him

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While it's totes adorbs that David Beckham felt the need to publicly retire from soccer today, it's completely unnecessary. After all, it was never the soccer that made us care about him.

It was this:

David Beckham Face Suit


And this:

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And the fact he married her:

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So sorry Becks, I know you're real torn up about this retirement thing, but you shouldn't be. Because no one cares. With the exception of the year of Bend it Like Beckhamit's possible no one ever cared. And I'm not saying that to be mean. I'm saying that to reassure you that this decision will not impact your life in any way.

Sure you won't be bringing home a paycheck anymore, but now that you have Romeo working the streets in a Burberry trench coat, I think you'll be okay. Also I think your wife, Victoria Beckham, may or may not have invented modern fashion. I think I read that somewhere recently. Probably Wikipedia or WhiteHouse.gov or another site like that. So money-wise, you're what they call in Florida, made in the alligator-huntin' shade!

Now of course, I'm sure you're also worried about being bored at home. But don't be! Because not only do you probably have to catch up on a ton of TV, but you also have a ton of kids at home to help raise. Brooklyn, Bronx Wentz, Queens, Romeo, Juliet and Harper Seven. From what I've written in articles fed to me by anonymous sources who I made up, they're apparently a handful to raise.

While I think it's super neat that you enjoyed your soccer career that you apparently had, I'll be honest and say I'm happy you quit this job before you quit any of the other stuff you have going on.

Mainly this gig…because I love H&M so much.

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