Blind Item Claims That Danielle Jonas Is Faking Her Pregnancy, Which Would Make Sense Since Kevin Jonas Is Faking His Marriage
According to a brand new Blind Gossip exclusive, Danielle Jonas is allegedly faking her pregnancy. That bump you've seen is a prosthetic pregnancy belly and that baby you thought was inside of her was actually supposed to be adopted right around the time that she was due. However their plan to adopt apparently fell through and that resulted in them resorting to plan b — faking a miscarriage. The exclusive goes on to say that the entire family is involved on the pregnancy scam, including everyone's favorite surrogate uncle/producer Ryan Seacrest.
As the Internet's foremost faux-pregnancy detective, I've been on the Danielle Jonas case for months now. Mostly because pregnancy involves a man having sex with a woman. Considering that Kevin Jonas interacts with Danielle Jonas in the same way that a 7-year-old interacts with a girl infected with cooties, I highly doubted that they'd ever had sex. Okay. Fine. Maybe once. By accident.
"Danielle, what are you doing in my bedroom past 9 P.M? And where are your clothes? and my goodness my dear, where is your penis? And why are you coming closer? Oh no, oh no, oh no, Joe told me about this once. And you know babe, I would love to do this thing, but um, you see, my purity ring is stuck on my finger. Ack! Ack attack! So well, God is watching and you better go back to your room. Skedaddle now"
I can hear you right now accusing me of exaggeration, and fine, I am, maybe a little bit. I'll admit that I do think Kevin knows that girl penises are tucked in and called vaginas. But I won't admit to believing that they're in love with each other. Not after I watched their interactions on Married to Jonas. Never have I ever seen two newlyweds behave more like each other's acquaintances. While I obviously can't verify Blind Gossip's info, I can say that it's not that outlandish. After all, they wouldn't be the first couple to fake a pregnancy with pillows.