Underwhelming Dance Moms Reunion Special Proves Dance Moms Are Boring Without Their Kids

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Well that was way less eventful than I thought it would be. I must say, I'm pretty disappointed. If this were a competition, Lifetime's Dance Moms reunion special AND Abby Lee Miller would get 2nd place. Which Abby would NOT be happy with, because we all know that the 2nd place winner is really the first loser. Let's hope next week's Part 2 is more entertaining.

Last night, the dance moms were all a little bit nicer to each other than they usually are. Abby  raised her voice a mere 53 times. The girls weren't even there, and let's be real, while I love a good disgruntled group of overbearing mothers just as much as the next girl, a big part of why I watch Dance Moms is to see the dancing. Duh. It's just soooo good. And there's nothing at all creepy about me enjoying watching 10-year-olds in leotards. Seriously though. I really don't think it's creepy. I just REALLY like dance. But I digress.

I must say that the biggest takeaway from last night's reunion special is that Dance Moms is most definitely scripted. The ladies seemed so uncomfortable on that stage. It was like they didn't know how to be catty in front of a moderator, or beyond the confines of a high school auditorium. I was definitely hoping for more attitude, but the moms fells flat last night. They're obviously way more boring in real life than they are on the show. Le sigh.

The moms' reactions to clips from this season was the most exciting thing to watch. Basically, the ladies facial expressions were the most authentic aspect of the show. Except for Melissa and that scrunchie face she makes. Ya know, the one she makes any time someone brings up her fiance (YES the one that's still married to another woman) or the fact that her nose just might be stuck in Abby's butt. That's fake. And annoying. I don't like that face.

(GIF: tumblr)

Abby, on the other hand, did her best to play up the heartless monster role. At one point, the always magnanimous Dr. Holly says to Abby, “You created this family…” Almost missing her cue, Abby paused for a moment before remembering to interrupt Holly with a loving, “I'm so glad to hear you say that! ‘Cause I can create another one!” There was even an attitude-y arm flourish for effect, which also served as proof that Abby's weight doesn't inhibit her from movement within the normal range of motion. (She's such a great dance teacher. I wish she would teach me that move. I'd use it all the time.)

So we didn't learn anything new. Melissa's a liar, Kelly's a self-proclaimed bitch, Dr. Holly's a diplomat, Christi's unbelievably blonde, and Abby's fat. No one likes Jill (the studio-hopper who popped on set during the last 15 minutes of the reunion), and Cathy, that annoying woman from Ohio, is still just as annoying as ever. Actually, she's “like a cartoon character,” as Holly said, seconds before Cathy appeared on stage. At that moment I thought to myself, “Totally NOT scripted.” See, same old same old.

(Photos: MyLifetime.com)