Dakota Fanning Won’t Stop Throwing It In Our Face That She’s Had Her Life Together Since She Was Born

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Dakota Fanning Town & Country interview august 2014Every time Dakota Fanning does an interview, I become increasingly convinced she only exists to make the rest of us feel bad about ourselves. Take this new one in Town & Country for example. Not only is it in Town & Country, a magazine that only exists to remind you that you don't own a horse or an estate or an antique brooch passed down from your great grandmere, but it's also chock full of classic “I'm a more evolved human being than you and I won't apologize for it” quotes.

Shall we begin with her talking about the fact that she chose to get into show business at the tender age of a toddler. An age when I was still using my pants as a portable bathroom and speaking like an egotistical caveman. “Me need juice now. Me want up. Me want down. Me, me, me.”

It's hard to explain to someone who didn't know me as a child,” she says, looking me right in the eye. “But even before I started working—when I was two, three, four, five—I was an exceptionally mature child. I just was. And my mom and I were able to have conversations like, ‘Do you want to go to California and go to auditions for commercials and TV shows? Is that something you want to do?' And I was like, ‘Yeah, let's give it a try.' “

Yes, while you were learning the art of dressing yourself and speaking in sentences, Dakota was having heart-to-heart conversation with her mother about her career. And realistic ones too. She wasn't like, “fuck ya Mom, we're moving to LA! Pack Teddy, pack Blankie and pack my dealer's number, it's alllll happening.” She's all, “yes, let's give it to the old college try. If it doesn't work out, we'll move back here and I'll enroll myself in the local day school. Where I will excel.”

She continues on in the interview to discuss her current boyfriend and how she chooses not to make their relationship public. (Also how much she hates parades!) Because, as she points out, it's relatively simple to have a private life if you want one.

I'm just never going to parade my personal life,” she says. “If you choose to not do it, it's not hard to not do it.”

After all, to be a celebrity is tacky and cliche. To be an actor (pronounced in a British accent as ac-toorr) is another matter entirely. One gets headlines, the other gets respect. She's not naming names — because that would be beneath her — but she's certainly insulting all the other famous woman her age who do prance around with their “relationships.” And she's insulting them in a way that only a child-actress-prom-queen could.

Oh that's right, I dropped prom queen into the conversation. Because she not only achieved career success before finishing puberty, but also popularity. Or to steal a word from the interviewer, she aced it. It wasn't enough for her to be popular, she had to be the best at it.

“She also aced the teenage popularity contest at her North Hollywood high school, despite years of on-set tutoring. She got off to a rough start socially (initially bringing her books to school in a geeky rolling backpack), but before long Fanning was a cheerleader, then a homecoming queen who went to prom with a gaggle of girlfriends.”

Of course she had a rolling backpack and of course she overcame the stigma of it. Unpublished studies show that 99% of children who enter high school with a rolling back pack leave it with a wedgie and/or one friend. A gaggle of girlfriends? A fucking gaggle? Why, that's unheard of until right now. I don't want to throw the m-word around, but it's miraculous.

Almost as miraculous as the fact that you, you absolute plebe, you garbage heap of a human, believed that you knew Dakota Fanning.

I'm super-happy that you've enjoyed watching me grow up. That's cool,” but “because people saw me grow up, there's this weird sort of ownership that they feel for me and that is…difficult. Because it's not real; it's in their minds.”

As if you could ever know the real Dakota Fanning. As if your small mind could ever possibly comprehend who she is in her real life. After all, she's had her life together from the moment she was conceived. And you, you're just pulling yours together now. Grow up. And while you're at it, go back in time and grow up faster.