Cruel Intentions Is The Most Messed Up Teen Movie Ever Made

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cruel intentions fuck your brains out


For every sleepover I went to in middle school, I think I watched Cruel Intentions twice. While that ratio sounds absurd now, it felt so incredibly normal at the time.After all, why wouldn't we watch the greatest romantic thriller ever made on repeat? But now, looking back, I can't help but wonder what in holy hell we were thinking. It's not a great movie, it's not even in the neighborhood of good. Unless, of course,  you judge your movies worth by the potential for incestual sex  scenes. And if that's case, please leave this site and never look back. If that's not the case and if you're currently sitting around wondering why you too used to obsess over this horrible movie, then join me as we discuss it in depth.

Kathryn (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and Sebastian (Ryan Phillipee) are a step-brother and a step-sister who live together in a giant NYC apartment. Alone. There's not a parent in sight. So don't even try to find one. While there are teenagers who can be left alone and trusted to act like human beings, these are not two of them. No, these are two sociopaths. I would say sociopaths-in-training, but it's clear within seconds that these two are far beyond that. And yes I'm talking about the bet.

Remember the bet? Sebastian wants to de-virginze the new school prude for sake of doing it. Her name's Annette (Reese Witherspoon) and she's the Taylor Swift of this story. By that I mean she's blonde and gets off on thinking that she's better than everyone. While she's most definitely annoyingly pretentious, I do have a few ethical problems with someone attempting to seduce a high school girl in order to check it off his bucket list. But sure, let's go with it. Why not?! Kathryn doesn't believe he can do that. Mostly because he can't even seduce her and she lives with him. So that's where the bet comes in. For fun, let's just go ahead and call it The Flowers in the Attic bet. If she's right and he can't succeed, he has to give her his Jaguar. If he succeeds — and this is where it gets really weird guys — she'll let him have sex with her. I know they're not biologically related, but COME ON. Can we all agree that's a weird choice for a scriptwriter to make?

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