Entertainment

Courtney Stodden’s Twitter Is Basically Softcore Porn

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In every video interview we've seen with child bride Courtney Stodden so far, she appears to be in a constant state of arousal. The lip-licking, the writhing, the gross pawing of her 51-year-old husband…it's disconcerting. But she couldn't be like that all the time, could she? Surely she occasionally takes a break to think about food, movies, or young adult fiction?

Not according to her insane twitter account! While some women who trade on their sexuality use twitter to showcase a different side of themselves–Stoya's thoughtful banter, for example, or Joanna Angel‘s documentation of the daily minutiae of running a porn site–Courtney is all sex, all the time. (Except when she's talking about church, but even church seems to turn her on.) It's like she's hell bent on becoming a character from a 1980's porno about naughty Catholic schoolgirls. Hell, maybe she is a character from a 1980's porno about naughty Catholic schoolgirls that slipped on some errant jizz and fell through the space-time continuum. (And I mean a porn character, not a real person.) How else can you explain tweets like these?

At least we know she learned a lot of adjectives and adverbs while being home schooled.

Are you uncomfortable yet? No? Well then, here is a pic the precocious 16-year-old twitted of herself looking like the porno version of Pamela Anderson. (No, Pam was not already the porno version of herself. She is a multifaceted human being, with more coherent thoughts than “meow meow I'm a kitty cat.”)

Either this chick has teeny tiny labia, or they Photoshopped hers out. Let's compare her with the original:

You know you're really doing it to the max when you make Pamela Anderson look modest. (Also: Pam's twitter feed is much more tolerable. Likeable, even. She has good taste in classic rock.)

I never thought I'd say this, but she might actually need to tone it down if she wants to land a reality show on a mainstream TV network. It makes people uncomfortable to wonder where all that hypersexualization is coming from at such a young age. Also: it's kind of monotonous. We like our reality stars to be unpredictable, no? Then again, maybe I'm giving America too much credit. We shall see.

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