Here’s What You Need To Know About The Stupid Fight Between Kelly Clarkson And Clive Davis

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So ya'll want to hear something totally stupid that we're being forced to talk about by the lamestream media? Clive Davis and Kelly Clarkson are in a silly fight about some allegations he made in his new memoir, The Soundtrack of my Life.

But before we jump into that, let's start at the beginning. Who is Clive Davis?

Great question, glad you asked! Up until yesterday I didn't really know the answer myself. I mean I knew he was in the music world and I knew he was powerful. But I never really knew much more than that and I never really asked anyone because everyone's supposed to know Clive Davis. But after some lite Wikipedia research, I've learned he's a sea witch who steals the voices of mermaids and gives them to good-looking people who can convincingly lip-sync. Also known in colloquial terms as music producer.

Despite the fact that he never launched a tumblr based on a timely meme, someone gave him a book deal and paid him money for his memoir. In this memoir he supposedly speaks about his career and the struggles of being a man in the media. He also apparently devoted more than one sentence to Kelly Clarkson.

Look, I love me a little Kelly Clarkson. I break up with men on the reg just so I have a reason to blast “Since U Been Gone.” But considering he's a guy who supposedly built one billion pop stars out of stardust and stage moms, his devotion to talking about her seems strange.

And that brings us to the passages that upset Kelly Clarkson so much that she responded yesterday and called Clive Davis a liar. Which only forced Clive to respond to her allegations that his book is full of allegations.

If you hate reading (and who doesn't?!), here's the gist of what's going on:

Clive Davis' Memoir: Look Kelly Clarkson, you may be loved by Americans who love voting via telephone, but that doesn't make you a pop star. If you don't do exactly what I say, you'll never see the inside of a recording booth ever again. I can make you and I can destroy you. Hey, hey, there's no crying in music!

Kelly Clarkson's Whosay: Hey Clive Davis. You are old. Also you are wrong. I am famous because I am talented. You are famous because your mother had the foresight to give you a cool name like Clive. If Amazon.com asked me for a review of your book, I would just write one word: lies. But then if Amazon.com was all like, “your review must be longer than four characters,” I'd write “someone call the fire department, because Clive Davis' pants are fire.”

Clive Davis: Oh Kelly, Kelly, Kelly. Everything I said in my book is true and can be verified by many people. Please kindly direct any future diatribes to my lawyer's office. Oh and America, don't forget, I'm Clive Davis.

So now you're all caught on this stupid fight and you can intelligently contribute to conversation about it. But don't, because we don't want to encourage boring celebrities like Clive and Kelly who might see that they're able to steal headlines away from the real scandal-makers, blunt-smokers, naked-photo-leakers and Ke$has of the entertainment world..