Chris Martin’s Description Of Getting Kidnapped By Brangelina Is So Detailed That I Believe Him

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Coldplay frontman and Gwyneth Paltrow marriage refugee Chris Martin wrote a song called “Miracles” for the end credits to Angelina Jolie’s upcoming movie Unbroken. Vulture recently asked him to explain how he got the gig, and he gave an interesting answer. In short, he said that Angelina and her husband Brad Pitt kidnapped him. Because obviously.

But if you’re thinking Chris made a brief joke and then immediately moved on to the real explanation, you would be very wrong. This was no “She kidnapped me. JK JK she’s a lovely woman and I enjoyed working with her” situation. Chris got very detailed. So detailed, in fact, that I’m inclined to believe all of this actually happened. Here’s how it starts:

“I got a message that said, ‘Meet in this undisclosed location. You’ll be blindfolded and picked up by seven ex–Navy SEALs.’ So they kidnapped me, hit me over the head, and sprayed me with Mace. When I woke up, I was in an office, and Brad Pitt was doing push-ups as Angelina Jolie was just sitting there with her crown on. There was also a guy holding a knife to my throat, and she said, ‘Write me a song, or else.’ And Brad Pitt said, ‘Yeah. What she said.'”

See, if someone I know is witty like Anna Kendrick had said this, I’d be like, “Oh what a joker! That’s hilarious!” But I know next to nothing about Chris Martin’s sense of humor (cue all of his fans storming the comments with pitchforks telling me he’s so obviously hilarious), so I’m not gonna rule out this actually happening. It certainly fits with my personal Brangelina headcanons. Brad doing random push-ups? Angie wearing a crown? Yep, sounds about right.

But wait! Chris wasn’t finished. Apparently after the song was written, it wasn’t even guaranteed that it would be used in the movie:

“We wrote a song and then she said, ‘It’s through to the final eight,’ and then we had live eliminations at her house … We came in second, but the main guy chickened out.”

If this isn’t true (and like I said, I totes believe it), I’d like Chris Martin to go ahead and launch a website called “Chris Martin’s Fake Interactions With Celebrities” where I can read more of these accounts. Maybe we have that vivid imagination of his to thank for his his “romance” with J.Law. Yeah, I went there.

(GIF: Tumblr)