A Guy Says: Drake Won the Fight With Chris Brown

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Think you know what happened in the Chris Brown and Drake fight this week? Think again.

While I was out at 5:00 in the morning a couple days ago, I was walking outside of a bar, about to give a few dollars and a hug to a homeless man — I hug homeless people in my free time — when I almost got hit in the head with two bottles.  Thankfully, I ducked both.  One hit the homeless man in the chest.  He was elated because he could collect the bottles and get money from their deposit.

The other hit Chris Brown who, on the other hand, was not happy.  It was either because I asked him for an autograph or because he was bleeding from the face.  Or at least that’s how the Chris Brown and Drake brawl happened in my imagination.

In the aftermath of the brawl, Chris Brown tweeted a picture of a cut on his chin.  I’ll assume he was doing this to illustrate to the world how big of a tough guy he is.  This didn’t really work because later a picture of his bodyguard came out, and that guy’s cut was gigantic, and ran across his forehead.

Rule number one in post-fight picture sharing: don’t show off a picture of your injury when someone else’s injury is way more awesome.  When I get in fights, and as a Jewish comedy writer who can bench 25 lbs. I get into fights all the time, I never show off my hangnails when there’s a guy with bones sticking out of his fingers next to me.

Otherwise, let me also say this is progress for Chris Brown.  I know he’s had a history of violence, but this really is a sign of growth because he did it in Rihanna’s honor, or at least that’s what’s being said.

We all know that the step after hitting your significant other during recovery from an instance of domestic abuse is hitting someone else because of that person.  After that is refraining from violence altogether.  So, anybody saying Chris Brown shouldn’t be hitting anybody anymore, don’t worry, he’s going to get there.   It’s like when you’re an alcoholic.  The step after hitting rock bottom is always starting to do drugs after which you finally stop using all substances.

On the other hand, Drake started the whole thing by pointing his middle finger all over the place and saying some choice words to Chris Brown.  After he did that he just backed away and let everyone else take the fists and bottles to the face for him.

You have to applaud Drake for this.  He’s a celebrity and getting hit in the face with a bottle and losing a nose and two eyes just isn’t something he can afford.  What he can afford is having his bodyguard hit in the face with shattered glass because he can afford to hire another bodyguard.

“Oh, his injuries where so severe that he can’t come back to work because of the fight that I started?  Well, thank God it wasn’t me,” Drake might have said.

Plus, the fight he started caused Chris Brown to be hit.  And Chris Brown’s deserved to be hit for the past couple of years.  Or at least, tripped during one of his dance routines.   So, I’m declaring Drake can be declared the winner of this round.

Though like a boxing match, when Rihanna finishes walking around the ring in a bikini, holding the round number, the fight will start all over again.