Chris Brown Broke Up With Rihanna Because OMG She’s Soooo Immature

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Chris Brown Broke Up With Rihanna Because OMG She s Soooo Immature Chris Brown and Rihanna Twitter picture March 2013 jpgWell, if you can say one thing for Chris Brown, it’s that he’s consistent. No matter what he does, or what subject he speaks on, he never fails to befuddle me with his complete and total disregard for logic and rational statements. For example, we knew that he and Rihanna were pretty much definitely broken up, but we hadn’t gotten the official word, let alone why. But hark! A Breezy approaches, to set the record straight in his always literate way. So tell us, Chris, why exactly did you and Rihanna break up? I know it’s not because of that time you tried to kill her with your fists, because we as the media and as human beings and as music fans were all supposed to be over that a long time ago. So what is it? Will she be coming to any of your birthday parties (yes, plural) this year?

“I’ve actually got three birthday parties scheduled, I got one in L.A., one in Vegas and one in New York so we can gon’ have fun, and I’m just trying to have, you know, the best time with my fans and all the people in the club.”

Okay sure, sure, your fans and all the people in the club. But what about your on-again-off-again girlfriend? Will she be in attendance?

“Imma do it solo. I mean, at the end of the day, shawty doing her own thang, she on the road. It’s always gonna be love. I’m a grown man, just gotta fast forward.”

Well shoot, Christopher, that was just about the most romantic way you could’ve said that. I dream of the day when one of my ex-boyfriends calls me shorty and explains our relationship with words usually reserved solely for a DVR. I should be so lucky. But why did you guys break up? I need answers.

“I’m always gonna love that person, [but] I cant be focused on wife-ing someone that young. I need to be the best Chris Brown I can be.”

Okay wait though. Chris Brown, you just turned twenty-four yesterday, but I didn’t think Rihanna was that much younger than you. Like a few months, maybe? Not enough to make a difference. OKAY WAIT. I just looked it up, and Rihanna is actually a year older than Chris. He was born May 5th, 1989, and she was born February 20th, 1988. And she’s too young for you, Chris? Because of your startling maturity that leads you to collaborate on a song unironically named ‘Beat It’ when you’re best-known for doing exactly that to Rihanna’s face? Nice try, buddy. Might wanna try wife-ing up yourself, next time. You could use the practice.

(Image: Twitter via WENN.com)