That One Time Chelsea Handler Tried To Pretend She’s Younger Than Sofia Vergara

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Sofia Vergara and Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately October 2013The inclination to lie about your age is a really odd one, I think. I can understand it on a basic level, because getting older can be a really scary thing if you haven't come to terms with it, but I think eventually it will come back to bite you in the ass. Not because you'll grow a long Pinocchio nose and be found out in front of all your friends or anything, although that would be humiliating. But because there may come an occasion in your life where you find yourself in the same room with Sofia Vergara. Let me explain.

Chelsea Handler had Sofia on her show last night, and the two were talking about Sofia's son Manolo, and how he gets so embarrassed when people mistake him for his mom's boyfriend, and yadda yadda yadda. You know, the same thing that comes up every single time anyone has a conversation with Sofia Vergara, because she's so unbelievably youthful-looking and attractive and confident and whatever.

But then the conversation turns to swimsuits, with Sofia saying that she's been trying out a mono-kini lately because she's not as comfortable with ‘the normal G-string' anymore. (Only for someone like Sofia do the words ‘G-string' and ‘normal' ever appear in the same sentence.) She's making conversation with Chelsea, trying to explain why her preferences have changed, and the phrase, ‘at our age' comes out of her mouth. Perfectly naturally, because Sofia and Chelsea are both…moving out of their younger years, let's say.

And this is the thing that I'm trying to teach you to avoid, right here in this moment, because all of a sudden Chelsea Handler is sitting across from Sofia Vergara and stuttering the words, “Well you're not that…how old are you?” and when Sofia answers, “Forty-one,” Chelsea cannot jump in there quickly enough with, “Okay well we're not the same age!”

And since I am looking at these two women sharing a screen, and I have eyeballs in my head and can see their faces, I honestly believe that Chelsea is about to say that she's older than Sofia. And I think Sofia thinks so too, because she says, “Why, how much older are you?” Which is so hilarious to Chelsea because isn't it OBVIOUS that she's barely out of junior high? She jokingly scoffs that she's fifty-five, but a quick trip to Wikipedia confirms that she's still pretending to be thirty-eight. THIRTY-EIGHT.

But like…why do you want to be three years younger than Sofia Vergara if you don't look three years younger than her? What's the benefit to that? Chelsea Handler does look really great, but only for a woman in her forties, which is where I think she's landing if we're being honest with ourselves. She does not look great for a thirty-eight year old, especially when she's sitting next to Sofia Vergara. I just don't get it! Why not embrace the age that you are so you can start looking great for your age again instead of suffering in comparison to a woman you're claiming to be three years younger than?

Oh and maybe also stop insulting Rebel Wilson and Honey Boo Boo and Amanda Bynes while you're at it. Even a true thirty-eight year old would know better than that.