Entertainment

10 Celebrities You’ll Be Disappointed To Discover Are Scientologists

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Tom Cruise electrifying Oprah GIF(via)

You know that thing where you meet someone and things just click? You get along really well, you have a ton of overlapping interests, and you just generally enjoy spending time with them? And then one day you're casually having a conversation, and something comes out of their mouth that ruins everything. Just a simple sentence, and after it's out there, nothing can ever be the same again.

In my personal relationships, it's something like, “Oh gay people? No thanks!” or “The theory of evolution? Don't believe in it, but I love the television show Two And A Half Men!” But for celebrities, all it tends to take is a casual, “You know she's a Scientologist, right?” to make my stomach plummet unpleasantly.

Because I liked you so much before! Back before I knew you thought we were all thetans who forgot how to be immortal and now need to pay lots of money to buy all the secrets of how to get back to that point. I just don't think I can ever truly appreciate your work in the same way now that I'm aware that you believe the laying on of Tom Cruise‘s hands can cure mental illness.

YEAH. You see the position you're putting me in here, celebrities? It's a tough one. And since I don't want any of you beautiful sparkling readers to be put in the same position, I'm gonna fill you in on all the celebrities you  might not have realized were Scientologists. Not like Tom and John Travolta and whatever…the secret ones. It'll be disappointing, sure, and maybe even a little jarring, but it's better that it happens this way. Quick like a Band-Aid, y'know? Plus it's Scientology founder maker-upper L. Ron Hubbard‘s birthday today, so there's no better time.

LET'S DO THIS.

1. Danny Masterson

Danny Masterson Stephen Hyde from That 70s Show GIF(via)

I was like…pretty sure I had a crush on Danny during That 70s Showbut our idyllic fantasy life was shattered when I found out he was a Scientologist. Forcing me to develop a short-lived but extremely embarrassing crush on Wilmer Valderrama. I know, I know. But at least it proves that even as a child, I knew Ashton Kutcher was bad news.

2. Laura Prepon

Laura Prepon saying shut the fuck up as Alex Vause GIF(via)

I won't say Orange Is The New Black is ruined for me because that's impossible, but my god, Laura Prepon, my GOD. How am I supposed to get sucked into the storyline of Alex Vause when you're going around your real life trying to attain Level ‘Clear'?

3. Michael Peña

Michael Pena saying enjoy your white people shit GIF(via)

But…but Michael! You're the best part of a bunch of semi-mediocre movies like Gangster Squad, The Lincoln Lawyer, and Shooter. Why are you doing this to me?

4. Juliette Lewis

Juliette Lewis in Natural Born Killers GIF(via)

JULIETTE NO. You're a lady badass who doesn't care what anybody thinks, and we already don't have enough of you guys around.

5. Giovanni Ribisi 

Giovanna Ribisi dancing in Ted GIFTo be fair, Giovanni was raised Scientologist, so he never really got the chance to figure out his own ideas on the topic, but I still shed a single tear for him on occasion.

6. Elisabeth Moss

Elisabeth Moss as Peggy Olson on Mad Men smoking and looking at her cat GIF(via)

UGH GIRL NO WHY. Peggy Olson could have anything she wants! So why would she want to live in a world where she couldn't be honest with her closest friends and family members just because they weren't in the same religion as her? (Answer: she wouldn't.) Also yes, I'm fully aware that Mad Men isn't real and that I am insane.

7. Beck

Okay but your music is good. And now I have conflicting feelings in my insides because I thought only smart people could make good music BUT ALSO YOU THINK ALIENS EXIST.

8. Jenna Elfman

Jenna Elfman on Dharma and Greg GIF(via)

Sigh. I can never quite enjoy your perky blonde ways because I know a brain full of mysterious sci-fi secrets lurks behind your sparkling blue eyes.

9. Erika Christensen

Erika Christensen in Swim Fan GIF(via)

Remember Swim FanYeah, probably not. Pretty sure I'm the only one who ever saw that movie. But Erika's on Parenthood more recently, a show which I hope shan't be too dampered for you now that you know where her true loyalties lie.

10. Kirstie Alley

Kirstie Alley feigning a blow job GIF(via)

Oh how the mighty have fallen, Kirstie. And I'm not talking about Fat ActressYou could gain another two hundred pounds and I'd still rather that than have you be a Scientologist.