A Dozen Celebrities Have Been Hacked, So I’m Withdrawing My Application To Be Famous

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Beyonce Jay-Z New York City December 24th 2012

It looks like we have another celebrity hacking scandal on our hands, and this is a biggie that covers everyone from reality stars to musicians to actors to politicians to law enforcement. The hacker(s) obtained personal information, including financial records and social security numbers, for a over a dozen people and posted them online. Get ready for one hell of a victim list: Kim Kardashian, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Mel Gibson, Ashton Kutcher, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, Donald Trump, Joe Biden, Hillary Clinton, Eric Holder, FBI Director Robert Mueller and LAPD Chief Charlie Beck.

That's right. Even the police have been compromised. This is like a Batman movie. And now the LAPD and the FBI have started investigating the case. So they're investigating crimes against themselves, which I suppose will speed things along.

Am I the only one who feels like every other day we're faced with another celebrity hacking story? Usually we can sigh and say, “Just don't take any naked pictures of yourself, Scarlett Johansson” and move on with our lives, but this particular incident sounds like it would be a lot harder to prevent. Especially since big political names like Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton were affected — although TMZ says the hacker(s) didn't obtain as much about them as they did the more pop culturey people.

And apparently this isn't even a hacking problem. The LAPD says it's something called “doxxing,” which involves acquiring or figuring out someone's personal information from a limited amount of information. It's being compared to the trend “swatting,” which involves someone dialing 911 to report a fake invasion at a celebrity's house. Swatting happened to Chris Brown earlier this year.

I don't know about you, but I think I'm going to withdraw my standing application to be famous. I put it in like a decade ago, but the celebrity officials never got back to me, and every time I called they were like, “Man, we're really swamped right now. We'll let you know when we have an opening.” And then they'd giggle about something when I hung up. But now I'll just make it easier for them and back out of being considered the next celeb. Sure, the money is nice, and those gift bags look fun. But there's always someone out there looking for a new way to ruin your life.

I guess this means I'll have to reconsider running for president, too. Well, there go both my long-term goals in one fell swoop. Sorry to disappoint everyone who was looking forward to the United States being awesome for eight years.

(Photo: WENN.com)