12 Celebrities We Suspect Studied At The Vampire Academy

By  | 

Vampire Academy undead


The Vampire Academy comes out this week and we couldn't be more excited to see this groundbreaking documentary on supernatural students. It's going to be like Harry Potter, but better because they seem a tad more focused on their studies at this school. Not to call Harry and his buddies out, but it seems their crime-fighting extracurriculars often got in the way of their school work. Not so at Vampire AcademyThose ladies are there to learn! How to suck people's blood! And, in their free time, how to accessorize their fangs with today's latest fashion trends.

Which got me to thinking — what other celebrities studied at the prestigious Vampire Academy. While we'll never get confirmation due to the Vampire Secrecy laws, I'm going to take a stab (in a dark coffin) here and guess that these people once walked its hallowed halls.

1. Kristen Stewart

Kristen Stewart Wind


Excuse me ma'am, can I get a duh sundae with an extra scoop of duh on top? If there's anyone in Hollywood who went to V.A, it's Kristen Stewart. Girl nailed her vampire scenes so well in the final Twilight that I started to get suspicious. How could a normal girl possibly act that lifeless? Answer? She couldn't. 

2. Dakota Fanning

Dakota Fanning Eyebrow Raise


You know how I know Dakota Fanning is a vampire. She's ageless. Yes, yes, she's physically growing up. We've all had to bear witness to that uncomfortableness. But remember all those interviews she did as a seven-year-old for I Am Sam where everyone claimed she was an “old soul.” Well….I mean….yes. She is an old soul. The oldest. It's easy to sound mature when you're 792842038 years old.

3. Lorde

Lorde Tennis Court Creepy


You saw her performance at the 2014 Grammys, right. Do I need to go on? She's brilliant, but she's also deadly. And I wouldn't put it past her to suck my blood if she needed a quick pick-me-up before going on stage and killing it. Yes, in this context, “killing it” should be taken literally.

4. Kris Jenner

Kris Jenner Ahh


Do vampires eat their own young? If yes, you see where I'm going with this. And if no, well then she's half-vampire and half-monster. There's no other way to explain her continued existence on Earth.

5. Ryan Seacrest

Ryan Seacrest Talking


This explains why he's almost able to act like a human on the red carpet, but always slips up in some way. For years I just assumed he was a robotic experiment co-financed by E! and Crest, but now I'm realizing that the situation's far more serious than that. After all, nothing whitens teeth quite like human skin. Or so I once read in a magazine in a dermatologist's waiting room.

6. Idina Menzel

Idina Menzel Smile


OMG! You haven't heard about the Vampire Academy's music program? Think these women are scary when their fangs are bared? Check them out when they're baring their souls during the annual Vampire Academy Choir Performance. It's actually an incredibly moving experience. Well, until they start feasting on human during the big finale.

7. Jonathan Rhys Meyers

Jonathan Rhys Meyers Eye Twitch


Those eyes! Are not human. But they are most certainly entrancing.The more I watch this GIF, the more tempted I am to bare my neck and let him have it. After all, what is blood, but something that keeps me alive.

8. Dita Von Teese

Dita Von Teese Hair


Remember that time you spotted that bat on a camping trip and thought, “daammnn, that's a sexy bat.” Well this explains it. Girl can transform back and forth before you can even say, “hey, where'd you get that sultry red lipstick from?”

9. John Stamos

John Stamos Eyebrow Raise


Rumor has it that if you sing “I want to be forever young” 100 times in a row while staring in a mirror, you turn into an honorary vampire. Or at least that's what John Stamos whispered to me once as he feasted at Kimmy Gibbler's neck.

10. Jack White

Jack White Thinking


There's human hair and then there's vampire hair. And Jack White has vampire hair. The vampire hair if we're getting technical. In fact, rumor has it that Halloween vampire wigs are modeled directly off of his head. Where did I hear that rumor? In the hallowed halls of the academy of course!

11. Angelina Jolie

Angelina Jolie Eye Roll


As if we forgot about that vial of blood she had hanging 'round her neck. The only thing that would've made her status as a vampire more obvious would've been if she'd arrived on the red carpet on the back of a giant bat. Which back then would've been novel. But now just sends like something out of Lady Gaga's “Pay Attention to Me” playbook.

12. Ian Somerhalder 

Ian Somerhalder Wave


Don't let his sex appeal distract you from the truth. Okay fine, let it distract you for a minute. Five minute tops. The man's dangerous..ly good looking. Also dangerous. But if you're going to die via vampire bite, I can't think of a better vampire to do it.