12 Celebrities And The Animals They Should Play On TV

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Wilfred Jason Gann Elijah Wood

The third season of Wilfred premieres on FX tonight at 10 PM. If you’ve never watched, it’s just your normal sitcom about a man named Ryan (Elijah Wood) spending time with his neighbor’s dog Wilfred. Except he happens to see the dog as a human (Jason Gann) in a dog costume. And they smoke pot together. It’s not for everyone, but it’s fun. And weird. But you kind of get used to it. The return of the show got me thinking about what it would be like if this storyline were to be reimagined for different actors and different animals. So naturally I put together a list of 12 (because of the Chinese zodiac) celebrities and animals they should play on TV, based on their persona. Wilfred acts like a human sometimes (the talking and pot-smoking are a big part of that), but other times he’s a total dog, like when he attacks the vacuum cleaner because he thinks it’s an “evil robot.” So in order to play an animal on TV, you probably need something in your own life to tap into. And appearance has nothing to do with it. Keep in mind that all of these celebrities would be appearing onscreen in cheap-looking animal suits and talking like themselves. That should make the experience more fun.

1. Ryan Lochte should play a jellyfish

Ryan Lochte Jellyfish(Photo: Michael Carpenter, Wenn/Wikipedia)

It’s a common idea that jellyfish have no brain and just swim around all willy-nilly. That perfectly describes Ryan Lochte’s life. The show would be called Jeah-lyfish and star Michael Phelps as a douchey scuba-diver who gets a wake-up call when he meets a jellyfish played by Ryan who redefines “douche.” I can’t really imagine how Ryan would dress like a jellyfish, but I’m having fun trying.

2. Gwyneth Paltrow should play a koala

Gwyneth Paltrow Koala Bear(Photo: Judy Eddy, Wenn/Wikipedia)

Koalas have a very limited diet, and they mostly eat eucalyptus leaves. Boy oh boy can our Gwynnie relate to that. The show would be called It’s All Good Down Under and star Isla Fisher as an Australian woman on walkabout who suffers from hallucinations and spends most of her time fetching very particular and very expensive eucalyptus leaves for a koala whom she sees as Gwyneth Paltrow. Wilfred smokes his pot; Gwyneth the koala smokes her weekly cigarette.

3. Joan Rivers should play a chimera

Joan Rivers Mythical Chimera(Photo: Dan Jackman, Wenn/Wikipedia)

A chimera is a mythological creature made up of a lion, a goat and a snake. Joan Rivers knows plenty about getting lots of different (new) body parts. In the show Put Together, Melissa Rivers would star as a woman who struggles with self-confidence and considers plastic surgery. While under anesthesia for a face lift, she has visions of a Joan-Rivers-looking chimera who convinces her mid-surgery to stop. Complications ensue.

4. Ryan Gosling should play a St. Bernard

Ryan Gosling St Bernard(Photo: Dan Jackman, Wenn/Wikipedia)

Sure, we already have a man-in-a-dog-suit comedy, but what else would superhero (and total saint) Ryan Gosling be but a St. Bernard, a dog known for rescuing people? It would be called simply St. Ryan, and Jill O’Rourke (a young unknown) would star as a woman who is rescued from an avalanche by a St. Bernard who looks just like Ryan Gosling in a cuddly dog outfit. She declares him her hero and adopts him. They live happily ever after. What? It’s not weird. It’s just a TV show. Leave me alone!

5. Lena Dunham should play a naked mole rat

Lena Dunham Naked Mole Rat(Photo: Alberto Reyes, Wenn/Wikipedia)

Let’s face it. Lena Dunham is very comfortable being naked. This is the one case in which no costume is needed and Lena can just lounge around in her birthday suit. The show would be called The Naked Truth, and it would co-star Taylor Swift in her first TV role as a young woman suffering after a breakup who goes on a soul-searching trip to Africa and takes advice from a mole rat who views herself as the voice of her underground generation.

6. Kyra Sedgwick and Kevin Bacon should play penguins

Kyra Sedgwick Kevin Bacon Penguins(Photo: Alberto Reyes, Wenn/Wikipedia)

Penguins are known to mate for life, and Kyra and Kevin have been married for 25 years, which is an eternity in Hollywood. Plus they go to plenty of fancy events together so the tuxedo-style penguin suits would feel comfortable. The show would be called Snow Way! and star George Clooney as a commitment-phobe arctic researcher. He meets a penguin couple who urge him to find the love of his life.

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