Captain America’s Triumph Over Harry Potter Proves America Always Wins

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In 1776, the Second Continental Congress issued a declaration–a “Declaration of Independence,” one might even call it–that severed all of America's ties to Great Britain and made everyone, well, very, very angry. Brazen to a fault, it sealed the fate of the thirteen colonies, throwing them into grisly battle with the mighty British Empire. In this case, as we all know, the dark horse triumphed and, in due time, the United States emerged as a super power, with Great Britain as its most trusted ally. Unfortunately, that alliance was shattered into tiny little bits with this summer's big movie premieres of the faintly English Harry Potter And The Death Hallows Part II and America's aptly titled Captain America: The First Avenger.

Crushing the competition like a resource-hungry island nation, Deathly Hallows Part II broke practically every standing record with its US release on July 15, 2011. It mercilessly beat out Dark Knight for opening weekend, Twilight: New Moon for opening day and itself, sort of, for biggest IMAX Midnight Release. (Deathly Hallows Part I held the previous opening day record).

But, much like the sun began to set on the British Empire after its altercation with the plucky colonials, Deathly Hallows Part II itself suffered a decline with the release of Captain America, the latest offering by the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Captain America opened on Friday, and grossed $65.8 million, while Deathly Hollows II only brought in $48.1M. So we win, America! Bring out the high school marching bands playing the Star-Spangled Banner!

Of course, you might ask:

“But wait, isn't Deathly Hallows still more popular globally? And didn't it make over twice as much in its opening weekend?”

Yep, but since when do we care? The point is we won.

And yet, you continue:

“Captain America seems to rely heavily on eye-candy. Chris Evans is very attractive but at least Daniel Radcliffe has some acting chops. Doesn't a better performance translate into a better film?”

Americans aren't that shallow, we don't judge people based on their abilities.

“It's not just Radcliffe, the entire cast is amazing. The ensemble features actors of the greatest caliber: Emma Watson, Ralph Fiennes, Alan Rickman…”

Three words: Tommy Lee Jones. That guy beats Rickman on every level. Just compare their alien movies. Rickman has Galaxy Quest, Jones has Men In Black. End of story.

“Why are you using a film about WWII in your American Revolution analogy?”

One word: Nazis.

“That didn't make sense.”

All right, let's say that it didn't. Just try to enjoy the music, okay?

“What about the fact that Rotten Tomatoes gives DH a rating of 96% while CA only has 74%?!”

La la la la. I can't hear you over all these bugle horns! America wins again!