Bruno Mars Admits He Lied To Police During His Cocaine Bust, How Anticlimactic

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Bruno Mars preparing to perform at OAK in Vegas March 2012Oh Bruno Mars…don't you know that I live vicariously through all the trouble-making celebrities that I read about in the media? I don't have to get busted doing cocaine or driving drunk or peeing on underage girls because you guys do all that for me! From the safety of my computer screen, I can watch every step of the process, from accusation to denial to proof to public shaming to carefully and ambiguously-worded apology. It's a roller-coaster ride all my own, and I don't even have to stand in line for it.

And you were being so helpful to me in 2010! You got busted for doing cocaine in your Vegas hotel room and I was like, “Wheeeeeee!” You said it was your first time ever taking the drug, and I was so intrigued to watch a rising star implode, and see if you were able to stop yourself before you got to Lindsay Lohanville, via the Amanda Bynes Memorial Raceway turn-off. But then you didn't implode at all, and now, three years later, you're actually coming clean about the whole thing! Voluntarily!

“I was young, man! I was in fucking Vegas. I wasn’t thinking. I was given a number one record and I’m out doing dumb shit.”

And apparently it wasn't even his first time doing coke! That was a lie, which he admitted of his own accord:

“I don’t know where that came from. I was really intoxicated. I was really drunk. So a lot of that is a big blur, and I try every day to forget and keep pushing.”

So this goes from a coming-of-age tale of an up-and-coming artist trying cocaine for the first time, to a regular guy who does coke sometimes and apologizes for his mistakes? And then tries to move past them in a healthy way while also being open with his audience? To the point where he even becomes successful enough to go on Saturday Night Live as the host and the musical guest? Guhhhh. BOOOORING. This is the worst carnival ride ever. Bring me someone who knows how to make a real mistake!

(Image: Judy Eddy / WENN.com)