Of Course Rebecca From Breaking Amish Has Been Married Before

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Breaking Amish continues to be full of more secrets and more mysteries than every single Boxcar Children book combined. And that's saying a lot because that series revolved around four orphaned children stumbling upon an unsolved mystery over every long weekend.

This week's blow-my-mind discovery started innocently enough. Abe Schmucker and Rebecca Byler go to Coney Island and buy English bathing suits. This gives them a reason to remind us for the 678th time that these bathing suits nor this trip (nor this entire show) would be allowed by the Amish community. Did they use the s-word? I don't even know anymore, since at least two cast members are required to remind us they could be shunned during every outing, it's hard to keep track of exactly which actions are shunnable and which aren't.

Then Abe reminds us that he loves Rebecca more than he's ever loved a woman he just met on a reality show before — and it's therefore time to propose to her. Because they're the star-crossed lovers on this show, Rebecca says yes. Then they kiss so chastely that I think they might be doing a subtle audition for The Virgin Diaries. You know what they say about actors on reality shows, once you pop, you just can't stop.

Naturally the next step for Abe is to go home and share the good news with his completely camera-friendly mother. (“Mother?”) But she has some bad news for her son. Looks like his blushing bride's already married to another Amish guy named Rufus Hostetler. Buzzkill. Major buzzkill.

And yes, to add insult to Abe's heart injury Starcasm actually featured him on their site and he think it's socially acceptable to pair a polo shit and a cowboy hat. Get the Neosporin because Abe just got burned.

But he knows that talking to Rebecca will clear everything up. After all, they're supposed to be in love and surely there's an explanation for her being married before. Surely she'll apologize for keeping this huge secret from him. Right? RIGHT!?

Wrong. Rebecca deftly twists the situation back around to her favor and manages to play the victim during the conversation. A conversation that's so unimportant to her that she doesn't even sit up in her bed to discuss it. In fact, she manages to look annoyed that he would dare to even ask her about something so personal. GOD ABE, have some manners!

The episode ends with a cliffhanger, a question as to whether Abe can marry this harlot who deceived him. It's like gosh, you meet someone while you live in a hotel for 5 weeks and you think you them. LOLsies, during this episode of confessions Abe and Rebecca finally admit that they kinda, maybe, sorta, definitely hung out before the show. And they hung out in English ways, if you know what I'm saying. I'm talking bowling and I'm talking bowling in English clothes. Yep, this wasn't Rebecca and Abe's first time seeing each other in jeans.

I know. It's surprise after surprise on this show.

And in case this scandal's not enough to keep you on the edge of your seat until next week's season finale, here's something that might interest you. The National Enquirer, a publication known for occasionally being right, has an exclusive with someone who claimed to house Rebecca and Abe while Rebecca was pregnant…in 2010.

Yes, we've all seen that questionable photo of Abe and Rebecca posing with a baby from pre-Breaking-Amish days, but we never knew where that baby came from. Well, Shannon Edwards claims to have the answers. Her allegations are so incredible and so sensational that I wish I could fully believe them. Ugh, if only The New York Times published this story instead!

“Rebecca and Abe are not two kids who fall in love as the show is being filmed,” Shannon Edwards of Co­lumbia, Ky., told The ENQUIRER. “They’ve been out of the Amish com­munity for some time, and they’ve been a couple for years. They stayed in a camper behind our home for sev­eral months in 2010 while Rebecca was pregnant with their baby girl.” And while Rebecca, 20, implies on the show that she’s never used modern appliances or worn a bath­ing suit, that’s not true either, says Shannon. “Rebecca used our washer and dryer and other appliances all the time,” Shannon said. “She’d hang out by the pool in a little bitty bikini, and Abe liked to drink alcohol.”

And do keep in mind that 2010's before Rebecca allegedly got divorced from Rufus — meaning that this story would imply Rebecca cheated on Rufus with Abe.

So where does this leave us in the twisted web of deceit that Rebecca and Abe spun for us? Well, they may or may not have a child together and therefore Abe may or may not have already known that Rebecca's been married before and the baby may or may not be getting a spin-off on TLC next year.

And I may or may not ever be able to trust a hotel room full of Amish actors ever again. But that's something I hope to delve more into after the season finale next week.