Nobody Better Tell Suki Waterhouse That Bradley Cooper Gets A +1 To Award Shows

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Bradley Cooper and Suki Waterhouse attending Vanity Fair party December 2013If you don't have my conspiracy theory centered brain, you may have been wondering why Bradley Cooper hasn't brought his girlfriend Suki Waterhouse to an awards show yet. But if you do have my conspiracy theory-centered brain, you know that it's because THEY'RE NOT A REAL COUPLE.

Sorry I shouted that at you, I just feel really strongly that these people have met like four times in real life, and that one of them was this supremely awkward and extremely staged photo shoot in a park in Paris. But sure, publicists, please allow me to accept for a moment that Bradley is dating a woman seventeen years his junior (a full year younger than Jennifer Lawrence, whom he said he could never date on account of being old enough to be her father), and has been since they first hooked up at the Elle Style Awards eleven months ago, in February 2013. If all of those things are true, then why haven't we seen Suki on his arm at any award shows?

If they're a real couple, then why is he leaving her back home with a $20 for a pizza, emergency numbers on the fridge, and instructions on how to work the TV remote? Who is she in his life that he doesn't want her next to him on the red carpet? I mean girl is a model, after all, so I'm thinking she could hack it. And she's even old enough to drink, if only just barely, so why wasn't she at the Golden Globes? She would've loved that! And the Critics' Choice Movie Awards last night? Man, she would've had a real blast, Bradley, so why did wait until afterward to meet up at a restaurant? Didn't they give you a full dinner? Suki loves dinner! Suki loves parties! SUKI LOVES BRADLEY.

All I'm saying is you're not gonna get away with bringing your mom to the Oscars two years in a row, Braddycakes, so you might want to start practicing your loving pecks on the lips now if you have any hope of looking natural by March.

(Photo: Monica Schipper / Getty Images Entertainment)