‘When Did I Get Older Than Boy Bands?’ And Other Woeful Wednesday Tales.

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You guys. I'm overwhelmed. Boy bands are back. THEY'RE BACK AND THEY'RE EVERYWHERE.

I guess on some level I knew this day would come. I knew they wouldn't stay away forever, but I thought I had a few more safe years. In fact, I didn't even realize the first wave was fully over. Didn't we just stop listening to such gems as ‘NSYNC, 98 Degrees, and The Backstreet Boys? (Or at least admitting we listened to them?) Actually, aren't The Backstreet Boys like…still together? [Brief foray to Wikipedia…] Yes! Yes they are. They just announced they're doing another album. Album? Do we even still say ‘album'? Or ‘CD'? What do we say?!

I'm sorry. I'm panicking. But I just started working at Crushable last month and now I'm expected to know all about these little fancyboys, but I don't and I'm frightened. I don't even know where we are in the trend…do we still like the Jonas Brothers or are they SO TOTES OVER? What about Big Time Rush? I'm so out-of-the-loop! I feel like my dad, who took approximately six months to discover that the phrase he'd been interpreting as ‘Just a Beaver' (apparently without questioning the fact that that made absolutely no sense), was actually people saying the name ‘Justin Bieber‘.

As far as current stuff, I feel pretty confident that ‘The Wanted‘, ‘One Direction‘, and ‘Mindless Behavior‘ are new, or at least popular, but I can't prove that because I don't know any songs by them.

…or so I thought. After a brief foray to YouTube (my life is all about brief, panicked forays today), I've discovered that I do know some of these songs…I've heard ‘Glad You Came', ‘My Girl', and ‘What Makes You Beautiful', I just had no idea they were being blasted into my ears by pre-teens.

And that's another thing! How old are these humans? This was a lot easier the first time around because I was in middle school, so everybody was older than me: aka fair game. I could crush as hard as I wanted to on Justin Timberlake (serious, debilitating crushing), Drew Lachey (minor, non-life-threatening crushing), or A.J. McLean (little to no crushing detected) because they were all older than me. But these new childboys singing their songs and dancing their dances…they all look the same age to me. And that age is younger. For almost all of these guys, I don't think I'm legally allowed to be attracted to them. Actually, for some of them, I'm not sure they're legally allowed to be left at home unattended.

It's just a lot to handle to suddenly realize that my mid-twenties eyes are no longer aware of the subtle differences that differentiate a sixteen year old from a twenty-two year old. I feel out-of-control, like I need to apologize to Chris Hansen for all the times I hummed along with ‘Glad You Came' before I realized it was sung by age-ambiguous man-children.

Can't we just go back to the nineties, when the pop was mindless, the boy-banders were over eighteen…and the members of One Direction were literally toddlers.


I think it might be better if I just stay inside today and talk to the internet.

(Image: onedirectionconcerttickets.co)