To Make Matters Worse, Beyonce Is Claiming She Doesn’t Even Exercise

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Beyonce performing at Made In America Festival October 2013

I bet you're wondering how Beyonce gets her body to look like that. I mean, she's so pulled-together and such a hard worker that she must have a really killer gym regimen up her sleeve. I know we'd all love to get our hands on that. Or even if we don't, sometimes it's just nice to imagine Beyonce being unattractive and sweaty for once in her godforsaken life. But apparently even that is too much to ask, because according to Beyonce, she doesn't even have to work out to get that body. Kill me now.

“When I'm on tour I dance two hours a night, so I don't need to work out. When I'm not on the road I try to work out regularly. I run about two-and-a-half miles on the treadmill and I have a trainer. But it's sexier when it doesn't look like you go to the gym.”

Girl. GIRL. I'm training for a marathon right now, and you're gonna tell me that your body looks better than mine off of 2.5 miles a day? THIS SHALL NOT PASS. And let me also correct another little misnomer from your quote — it is not sexier when I look like I don't go to the gym. Me going to the gym is the only thing holding my patchwork quilt of a life together. When I don't go to the gym, I look like a bag of cottage cheese that watches Netflix with its pants off and a pint of Ben and Jerry's at the ready. And the reason that I look like that is because I am that. But please , Bey, give me more advice about the wondrous restorative effects of being naturally beautiful.

“Confidence makes a woman sexy. Women should not get caught up in someone else's definition of beauty. We are too obsessed with what a perfect nose is, or perfect hair, but there is nothing more beautiful than loving yourself and being confident.”

Sigh. That's what beautiful people say to normal people who get called ugly in the line for a footlong at Subway. (HI ME AGAIN!) In an ideal world, we'd all love ourselves to pieces, but every time I get close to that, somebody goes and posts a photo of Beyonce naked in a hammock and then reminds me that she doesn't even have to work out, and I'm like, ‘OH MY GOD I'M A MONSTER.'

(Image: WENN.com)